The Proposal!

As most people know by now, Micah and I are engaged! He proposed on his birthday, December 7th. We had spent the evening celebrating his birthday at Texas Roadhouse (his favorite). When we got back to his dorm he suggested that we go to the prayer room downstairs and pray together. Considering we hadn't taken the time to pray together or share what God is teaching us in a good while, I thought this was a good idea. When we were about to pray, Micah said "Before we pray..." and then got down on one knee. To say I was taken off guard is an understatement. The ring box was closed so I thought he was kidding. I just assumed there wasn't a ring in the box. I kept asking if he was joking. This frustrated him until he finally said, "Would you shut up and let me propose to you?!?" At that point I realized he was serious and let him say everything he planned to say. I hugged him and kissed him and then realized I hadn't said yes or even seen the ring yet. So I said "Oh wait I guess I better say yes and put the ring on!" So I did and we spent a few minutes together before we started calling and texting people. When I got back to my dorm, I flashed my ring as I walked in and the girls SCREAMED and were so excited for us. The rest of the evening people came in and out of my room hugging me, squealing, and telling me congratulations. It was really fun. I don't have any pictures from the evening except the one that is my facebook profile picture. We have set the date for May 28, 2011, and I am hoping for a smallish wedding. We are so excited, and I am so blessed to have a man like Micah. He is nothing I would have been able to choose for myself but everything I need and want. God has done so much in our lives, individually and together, in the little over a year we have been together. I am grateful!

PS- I love my ring!

I am bad blogger

I should really give up just having a blog. I really do have lots to share. So much has been going on in my life, but I don't really want to share it all here...yet.

I do have some prayer requests. I seriously need a job- one that will work around my school and church schedule. There is some school stuff that needs to get worked out- I am doing my internship at a local church, but probably won't be able to do my last semester there. I'd love to get a summer internship with a para-church ministry in Lexington. If that's even possible, I have no idea. I have been doing some research but haven't come up with anything. If it was a paid internship, that'd be even better. My last request I can't share in detail here. I am praying for unity and for God's will to be done, regardless of how things turn out...even though I do have an opinion of how I want things to turn out. Either way I'm fine...as long as I know that the people involved are unified and listening to the Lord. Thanks for praying!

Sorry this has been such a lame post. Things should be much more interesting and exciting in the months to come...

Tension

Oh my word, does anyone else get stress headaches and muscle aches? I had a headache earlier this week, and the rest of the time my neck and shoulders have been so sore and tight. Gee whiz it's uncomfortable. I've been getting stressed about trying to figure out classes for my last 2 semesters here and trying to decide which classes I want to take. There's not much available for Spring semester, which is a bummer.

Moving on...Micah and I are doing well. We have begun spending time each week in prayer and sharing what we have learned in our quiet times throughout the week. We have already grown a lot from when we started. Praying together and completely opening up to each other has been so...awkward. It's much better now than it was at first since trust and understanding have developed. We really love our pastor and his wife (who are actually long-time family friends- the pastor baptized me when I was about 10 or 11). They give great advice, and they are great listeners. Micah and I have no idea what we are doing as the relationship becomes more serious, so getting advice from a wise and godly couple is such a blessing. They speak so much truth and encouragement into our lives. I kinda wonder how Micah and I made it this far without that kind of support.

Well...I need to start my day. Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

Presto Change-o

I've changed the look of my blog again and my title as I move into a new season in my relationship with Christ. My typical prayer now is that God would guide my steps. I am thankful that he promises to never leave me and that as my shepherd he will lead me as long as I will follow. If I stray or somehow lose my way, he will find me. If I am in trouble, he will rescue me.

I hope my blog will be a place of encouragement to others that points them towards Christ. Everything that God has offered and given to me is available to you. I by no means have things figured out. I am constantly being convicted and called to a higher way of thinking and doing. But I do know this: God loves every one of us. God specially made each one of us and cares to have a relationship with us. Grace, peace, mercy, redemption, restoration, healing, love...all these things are available to anyone through Christ!

As I walk the rest of this Seminary road and seem to begin what feels like the "rest of my life," my prayer is this: "Lead me, Lord. I will follow."

Daddy

Last night, probably for the first time, I experienced God as "Daddy." I've had no problem seeing God as Father. It's more formal and a bit more distant. My relationship with my daddy (Eddie) is a worn-in relationship full of trust and mutual love. Relating to God in that way seemed impossible to me, though it was never something I worried about. Last night, I was spending time in my room seeking quiet and solitude when I began to talk to God. I talked to him like I talk to my dad when something is wrong or when I just need someone to listen to me. I began crying, hard. As I cried and talked, I felt God's loving presence around me. I felt my daddy. My mind took me back to the image of me crying in bed several years ago while my dad sat beside me patting my back. Though I was heartbroken at the time, it was a special moment for me and the epitome of a wonderful daddy/daughter relationship. Last night, I had that same experience with God. He became Daddy. I told him how I was feeling, and I felt him listening and wrapping me with his presence. It felt like I was talking to someone sitting right in front of me. He let me cry and talk as He listened. It was so bizarre (in a good way). All I know is that He was there. He let me be. He didn't reprimand or judge me. He didn't try to give advice. He was just there.

I often get caught up in what God is trying to say to me or teach me. I assume that there is always something to be actively learned and changed. And while that may be true, there are times when God just wants us to be. He wants us to rest in the fact that we are His beloved children. And, I think there are times when he just wants to be Daddy- not disciplinarian, not therapist, not the one with all the answers. Just Daddy. I am thankful for a God who loves me as his beloved daughter and lets me call him Daddy.

Giving thanks and a prayer

This early morning I am thankful for God's faithfulness, his peace in the midst of a storm, his comfort in the midst of sorrow. I am thankful for the grace that covers me every day for no reason except that he loves me and chooses to give it to me. I am thankful for my salvation, redemption, and hope that come through the cross. Praying for those struggling or suffering loss right now, that they would feel God's presence and that his peace would reign in their lives. Amen.

Titles are the hardest part

Sitting in my new room in Kentucky. I have no roommate, which works well for me. I enjoy solitude. I am only here for a visit seeing friends and Micah. I was afraid I wouldn't be excited to come back to school this semester. Being back confirms that. I am happy to see everyone, but I don't look forward to living in the dorm again. I'm not looking forward to classes, and at this moment it's hard to imagine I will be here for another year and a half. I am itching to get away somewhere and start a life. I knew at the end of last semester I was ready to be done for a while. I'm starting to feel like I'm ready to be done forever. I know this is a transition period for me. God has done a lot in my life while in Kentucky and a lot over the summer. Now I feel like I'm waiting for the next move. I am not wishing my time away and fully plan to use my time wisely to get assignments done, hang out with different people, and get involved in church. I am looking forward to diving in to life here. I know I need to start a life here, and not just wait for a "new" life to begin. I want to do that. I feel like I live in a bubble here. I don't think it's realistic or constructive. I live on campus to save money and avoid living with a person I wind up not being able to stand. It's nice to have space. It's hard to find that here. I need friends that don't go to school here. I wish Micah and I weren't so involved in each others' lives. The nature of both of us living on campus means everything intersects, even when we don't want it to. So, we have nothing to talk about when we're on campus. We already know.

I love my classes and teachers...I just HATE that seminary is my life when I'm here. It shouldn't be. That's not REAL life. It's stupid. I don't care about your business or your clique of friends. GROW UP! Are you people just in seminary to avoid the real world or because you can't get another job and you think you have job security if you're a pastor?

Ok, rant over. I don't really know who I was talking to since no seminary people read this blog. I just needed to vent some frustrations. More stuff in my life for me to work on. Love, grace, and mercy. May the Lord give me more of those.

When It's Time to Change, You've Got to Rearrange

Well, I am finally motivated to clean and organize my room and closet. I bought some storage containers today- one that I am going to use for jewelry and the other(s) for all the miscellaneous junk that accumulates in/on my desk. I am looking forward to getting the room and closet here de-cluttered and getting everything in place in my new room at school. Tomorrow will hopefully be my intense day of cleaning, but I plan on getting some stuff done tonight starting with organizing or getting rid of jewelry and organizing all my "bath stuff." i have a big 3-drawer storage cart that I am going to use for the bath stuff. I can get it all put away now and just remove the drawers and stack them in my car when it's time to move. I'm visiting Micah next week at school, so I plan on taking a load of stuff with me when I go since he will be there to help me move in. I can't wait to see him :).

Speaking of Micah...yesterday I got a letter and a cd (mixtape) in the mail from him. Real mail is always fun, especially when it's a surprise from the person you love. Plus, noone's ever sent me anything like that before.

I feel like the summer has slipped through my fingers, and it's making me kinda sad. I haven't hung out with friends as much as I'd hoped to since I have been trying to save money. I've bought some (needed) clothes. I say needed because I don't have much "nice" stuff (I mostly have t-shirts and slouchy jeans), and I've been trying to invest, little-by-little, in a more grown up wardrobe. I've made some great purchases lately without spending a ton of money, so I'm happy.

I'm looking forward to being very productive with the last part of my summer- cleaning, organizing, simplifying. I feel like God has been challenging me to be less consumeristic and to simplify my life in all areas. It's going to be a challenge, and I've experienced a wide range of emotions while discerning where he is leading me in this area. Part of it may just be guilt because Americans have so much more than most any other countries in the world. Part of it, though, is conviction. I'm excited about the ride God is taking me on. Sometimes it is hard, and sometimes it is so frustrating to get over one hurdle just to encounter another. But, I know it is part of the process of God making me more like Him. I'm thankful He has the patience to not let me stay where/how I am and to keep molding me and changing me, despite my bajillion hurts and hangups. He is patient until the end.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
- Philippians 1:6

Afternoon thoughts

I spent last night reading over my previous blog entries to see where I've been and how far (or not) I've come. I can say that today my heart, mindset, and attitude are very different than they were a year ago. I still struggle with some of the same things, but I handle them differently. I still have days where I feel down, but now I always feel hope at the same time. I have more confidence in myself, more faith in the Lord, and I finally accept and feel like He loves me. Those are some pretty big steps on the path to becoming who God wants me to be. I wish I could share the vision I believe God has for me, but it's hard to translate in to words. I bet it wouldn't make sense to most people even if I could. I feel the Spirit at work in my life probably more than I ever have before. I finally understand and feel that I am not a hopeless case. I simply have to keep persevering, running the race, and following His lead to get where He wants me to be. It's not about me figuring things out or understanding everything. It's not about me having a map telling me exactly where I'm headed. It's not even about making sure I have people around to help me along the way. It is about fully trusting in God and surrending to Him, no matter what that might mean.

Perfectionism

Do any of you struggle with perfectionism? For a long time I thought that I had worked past it because it wasn't so obvious. Lately, however, I've realized that I'm not past it, and it is a HUGE struggle. I am not type A in the sense that I am organized and insanely tidy BUT I have extremely high expectations for myself. Even when I say, "Oh it's ok I didn't do so well in this class," on the inside I'm thinking, "You're stupid. You're lazy. You're not as good as other people. You aren't smart. No one is going to like you. No one really likes you or loves you. They just think they do."

Today was one of those days. I was babysitting, and I just kept getting so frustrated (which isn't normal because the kids are great!). I dropped a spoon and splattered baby food on myself twice. I kinda messed up two bowls in the microwave. I couldn't get the baby to eat. Etc. But seriously, I dropped the stupid spoon TWICE?!? And it landed on my shorts TWICE?!? All I could think was, "Dangit Sara you are so stupid. You are a bad babysitter. Good babysitters never make a mess and always get the kid to eat." I'm aware that my thinking was completely irrational. Perfectionism is always irrational. Nothing and no one is ever perfect. I know this. So why do I feel such a need to be perfect? I was venting to Micah about my day and he said, "Man your self-esteem has really been low lately." And he's right. The last several weeks it has been the lowest I can remember. I've literally wanted to crawl under a table and hide. I don't look perfect (let's not talk about the weight I've gained, the dark circles always under my eyes, etc.), dress perfect (I hate shopping and feel so intimidated in stores), talk perfect (whether that means saying the right things or speaking at a normal pace), or walk perfect (I slump). I don't do school perfectly (I've made 2 C's...ridiculous and very unlike me!). I don't do relationships perfectly. I feel like a hopeless case, a huge mess, 116 pounds of ridiculousness. These things have been dominating my thoughts lately. No wonder my self-esteem is so low!

So back to my question...do you struggle with perfectionism? And/or do you have any biblical advice on the matter? I know I may seem like a big mess when I write here and I often feel like a big mess, but my life is not a mess. But, sometimes when God works to change us it's painful and messy. I am NOT a mess. I am NOT ugly, or fat, or stupid, or a hopeless case, or any other of the lies the devil would like me to believe. I am beautiful, I am loved, I am cared for and about, I am remembered, I am valued, and on and on. Sometimes it's important to say/write those things. Let them sink in. Maybe someday I will truly, deeply, and forever believe them. Have you ever heard phrases or whatnot about the devil "stealing your joy?" That's exactly how I feel. That makes me think of the song, "I went to the enemy's camp and I took back what he stole from me...he's under my feet, Satan is under my feet!" Maybe I should sing myself to sleep with that song...

Books and snacks!

Right now I am reading Forgotten God: Reversing our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan. I am loving it! Coming from a background that doesn't usually neglect the Holy Spirit, I was attracted to the book and very interested to see what Chan had to say. I wondered if he leaned more one way than the other, since it seems that many people go to one extreme or the other when talking about the Holy Spirit. Chan seeks to simply use the Bible to give evidence to the Holy Spirit and the necessity of the Spirit in our lives. He addresses fear- fear that God won't show up if we pray for the Spirit to work in our lives and also the fear that God will show up and ask us to something uncomfortable. I definitely can identify with the latter. As I read and pondered what was written, I realized that I am more afraid of the Holy Spirit showing up than I am of God not showing up. I have been praying a lot lately for God to guide me and that His will to be done in my life, all the while saying at the same time, "I don't want your will if it includes speaking in tongues and admitting that I have a lot of pride and that I may be messing up some stuff in my life." Talking about hindering the Spirit! I am only through Chapter 2 of the book, but I am looking forward to reading the rest of it. I am also going to be praying and talking to my dad about my fear of the Spirit and speaking in tongues. Yes, I know there is NOTHING to be afraid of and that fear (other than the kind that means awe and amazement) is NOT from God. I know this. I know how silly I may seem. Regardless, it is where I am right now. It is NOT where I plan to stay! Moving on...

On facebook a few weeks ago I posted about making a frozen fruit salad. I figured I'd post the recipe here because I just got it out of the deep freezer again to eat a little bit. What's awesome about it is that you can put the salad in cupcake liners and freeze or freeze, cut, and then wrap in plastic wrap so that you have individual portions to easily grab all summer long as you want them! I got the recipe here. I made a few modifications. Since mom is allergic to strawberries, I added a bag of blueberries and a can of mandarin oranges instead. And for those that don't know, a #2 can is 20 oz. I got the smaller can of pineapple because I didn't know what a #2 can was at the time. The proportions of my version worked fine, and it turned out delicious!

FROZEN FRUIT SALAD
1 (8 oz.) cream cheese 3/4 c. sugar 1 lg. Cool Whip, thawed 2 (10 oz.) frozen strawberries, thawed 1 #2 crushed pineapple, drained 3 lg. bananas, sliced Cream cheese and sugar together. Combine fruits and Cool Whip. Add cream cheese mixture. Freeze! You may pour salad into cupcake papers, pretty and nice for luncheons.

I love to ramble at night

It's late, and it's the quietest the house has been all day long. Not complainin', just sayin'. I've had a lot on my mind and (I suppose) a lot of thoughts I could blog, but I have gotten to a point where writing is more work than relaxing. Maybe it feels that way because I have to write so many papers for school. Maybe I have just become really lazy. Maybe both. I have a hard time writing even when I want to. Words don't flow as easily anymore. I type a sentence, re-word it, and then end up deleting it altogether. Before I know it, I've deleted paragraphs and the whole page is blank. I think I have gotten far too good at internalizing and just not talking about anything too personal. Even now I can feel myself shutting down, not wanting to share, not wanting to think, not wanting to have to deal with any feelings that may arise. Yet, I feel like I need to get things out. No, nothing bad is happening in my life nor am I working through a huge problem. I just feel a hole somewhere in my life, and I think it's from the loss of friends and truly sharing what's on my heart and being understood by a good friend. Moving on...

The other thing on my mind tonight is how scared I am of being in "women's" ministry. I am so afraid that I will get pegged as only being able to minister to women and that my gifts and talents can't be used on a broader scale. I know that makes no sense considering I feel called to work with women. What is there to be afraid of if that is where He is calling me? I feel called to love people in Christ and help them find their identities in Him. And by people I mean women. But why is it so hard for me to say I feel called to women's ministry? And how is it that I am called to women's ministry when 1) all my life most of my friends have been guys 2) I am not a girly girl at all 3) women get on my nerves. I don't see it as God trying to be funny or make my plans look stupid. I see it as him loving me so much to not let me stay in my comfort zone. I see it as his abundant grace that has put me on the path He has for me, rather than the one I might have set out for myself. I see it as his perfect provision. I won't lie, I still wonder how I will ever get to the point where I can be an effective "minister." I know technically seminary is preparing me for that, but I'm not talking about methods and programs. I'm talking about living, breathing, walking, talking my ministry in every facet of my life. All of me has to reflect Him. I know I will never be perfect until he makes me perfect, but I should always strive to please him. And honestly, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just don't care. I make headway in some areas of my life (like being nicer to people) and then take what seems like 100 steps backward in other areas of my life (like being nicer to people...ha!). I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and so does God. I know he will keep up his end of the deal, and I must keep chipping away, little by little at the things he brings to my awareness that need to change or disappear completely. I am thankful that he doesn't lose focus like I do. I am thankful he wants me. I am thankful he sent his Son for us. I am thankful he loves me. I pray that I live that thankfulness and mutual love in my life each day and that there would be no doubt that his Spirit lives in me.

Still no witty idea for a title

There's not too much going on with me. I watched Lorelai all day Monday. We had tons of fun! :) She is such a good baby, even when she doesn't feel well. The day flew by!

Micah has a big gash in his leg from a chain saw. Not a huge deal except that he probably needs stitches but didn't get it stitched up. That boy gets on my nerves when it comes to his health. He always puts things off. It worries me sometimes, but he's a grown-up. He can take care of himself. (We've officially been dating 7 months today!)

Speaking of men and their health, dad is having a tooth surgically removed today. It has been killing him for a while because his gums are receding and have left a nerve exposed. He went to have it pulled this morning at the regular dentist, but they decided he needed to go to the oral surgeon. So, prayers are appreciated for a quick and painless recovery!

That's about it from around here. Next week will be busy with VBS at my friend Liz's church. I'm doing the preschool story/lesson time. Hopefully it will be a great week!

I hate coming up with titles

I have neglected this here blog. I think so much most of the time that writing on here feels like work sometimes. I also have been busy with school. Anyhoo...I am home at my parents' for the summer. So far it has been good and restful.

Micah is in Michigan working at a summer camp, and I miss him much more than I expected. It's crazy how much our relationship has evolved and deepened in a relatively short period of time. I never really thought I would find a person who loves me like he does, and I never thought I would love anyone like I love him. I don't mean the sappy, warm-fuzzy feelings love- I mean the kind of love where you love the whole person, not just the parts that make you feel warm and fuzzy. Our love for each other comes naturally, but that's not to say we don't put a lot of work or effort into the relationship. We had the luxury (or misfortune) to put a lot of our "junk" out in the open at the beginning. Getting to know each other and our junk- and then working through that junk- is/has not been easy. I have had major doubts along the way, but I have trusted God to guide my steps and reveal where this relationship needs to go and if it needs to end. He has been more than faithful, and this month marks 7 months since we started dating! :)

I am still processing my first year in seminary. I love being able to identify ways God has worked and is working in me. I had been sensing that he was leading me to minister not just to young women but women of all ages, and He has recently been confirming that. It worries me a bit to say that out loud (or in print) because I don't want to get pegged into the women's ministry role as if there were no other place for me. I believe women can be leaders in ministry, whether it be to women, children/youth, or whole congregations. I see such a need for women to find their identities in Christ and let go of pride, insecurity, and jealousy. I could write a whole post on this topic but that would take a long time. Moving on...

God is tirelessly working on me, and a lot of the time it hurts. He has changed me a lot, though it took a while for me to notice even the slightest thing. Now I can see how my mindset about many things has changed, how my thoughts have changed. I haven't just sat around waiting for change to happen. I have worked to let go of things that bring me down and do not build up the Church, i.e. gossip (including celebrity gossip). Gossip is hurtful and divisive, whether I know the person or not. I am trying to see people in the image of God, as God's prized creations, not as commodities to be consumed. I want to be love. I want to give love. My mom says she has noticed a (positive) difference in me. That compliment wasn't received as a source of pride but as encouragement to pursue God even more. It is relieving and motivating to know that God hasn't given up on me, nor will he ever.

As much as I hate the school aspect of Asbury, I am certain that it is where God wants me. He has thrown me into a place where I MUST deal with my crap, where I won't be let off the hook. He has surrounded me with people who love and challenge me. He has given me Micah. He has revealed his love for and to me. I am so thankful.

PS- I turned comments off because I kept getting spam. Feel free to leave a comment or message on Facebook.

Snapshots of my present life

Me and Aunt Jo at Jacksonville Zoo

Me and my Mikey (Micah) at the zoo

I probably shouldn't tell you what is happening in this picture

Two Micah's equals twice the fun!!

Nathan (Micah's roommate) and Me not doing homework in the library

Sun!!

Today is the first day we've seen sun in a while! I am so thankful!

Classes are going well, and I usually enjoy them. I am learning so much academically while being formed spiritually at the same time. It is a blessing to be able to learn, live, and grow all at once. I've been sifting through a lot of ideas and topics we've been discussing in class. This semester, like no other semester I've had in school (seminary or undergrad), everything is fitting together. Each class builds on the other. It's crazy because all my classes are so different. I have one class on Inductive Bible Study (IBS...ha!), another on Communicating the Gospel to Youth, one on Spiritual Warfare, one on Ethics, and finally Vocation of Ministry (which doesn't really fit in with the others, but that's another tale for another day). My personal theme or motto for this semester seems to be "God loves ME!" I don't know if any of you have ever had a hard time believing that God loves you and accepting his love, but I have always struggled with this.

Lately, I began to pray that I would learn to love people. "We should love people because they are made in the image of God"...that's what I learned in my Youth Ministry class. I told my roommate about my "goal" to love people and what had been said in class and she said, "The only way we love people is from God's love flowing through us. If we don't accept his love, we can't love people." She had no idea that already I had been dealing with the issue of accepting God's love for me. That's when it really hit me that I don't have a choice in accepting God's love if I truly believe him and want to carry out his will for my life. I guess in some way I thought I could get around truly accepting God's love. I thought I just had to believe God loved other people for me to be able to do His work and love people.

The next day in IBS, my professor was taking apart the passage where John baptizes Jesus and then God says, "This is my Son, with whom I am well pleased." Dr. Dongell pointed out that God is pleased with Jesus BEFORE he ever started his ministry. He went on to say that we often get involved in ministry to please God, but he's already pleased with us. We often pour into people when we are empty ourselves and not full of God. Then...he went off on a tangent (I'm certain the Spirit was present in class that day) about how we must be full of God's love to love others. He said, "We cannot generate love. We cannot manufacture love (for others). It has to come from God." He went on to say that it's God's love overflowing from us that allows us to love other people. I knew that message was meant for me.

Later that night in my spiritual warfare class, our prof was talking about overcoming habits and defeating the evil that attacks us and he said, "When we are full of the Lord, all that other stuff just kind of falls away." This statement hit me hard on several levels. One, it was just such a simple statement, yet SO true. Two, it reiterated that I have to be full of God in order to love others and live my life for him. Three, it reminded me that sometimes all I can do to help other people is to pray that God will be present in their lives, that they will fill themselves with Him and let everything else fall away.

I am so thankful that I was able to hear God speaking to me through all these different people. I am so, so thankful to be here. Every day is not good, but I am finally noticing some changes happening, all due to God's work in me. I am doing better at dealing with people. I am more fervent in my prayer time, and I finally feel like God is hearing me again. I am staying on top of my assignments, whether they be reading or papers. I have great friends here, friends that I will probably know forever. I have laughed until I cried and my sides hurt and I couldn't breathe; sang until I laughed and then cried and then couldn't breathe; ate some disgusting food; had some amazing, God inspired roommate time; and met a wonderful guy. God is good, and he loves ME!

Giveaway!

Head over to my friend Patty's blog for her very first giveaway! She's giving away a copy of the new book Hear No Evil. Visit her blog to read a review and enter to win the book!!

First daaaaayyyy of spring semester!

I can't believe it is already my second semester in seminary. I had 2 classes today, and both went well. Tomorrow I have class at 8:00 AM, 1:00 PM, AND 6:15 PM. LONG DAY! I'm not really worried about it though because tons of my friends are in my afternoon classes, as well as Micah. I am so thankful for him. He helps keep me calm and cheers me up if I'm having a rough day (like yesterday). We disagree and handle conflict very well. We usually need time to cool off, but after that we are able to talk things out semi-calmly and always respectfully. I care about him a lot, so I never want to be disrespectful, hateful, or mean...especially if we are having a disagreement. We are both stubborn and sometimes try to be selfish, but it's neat watching our individual walls come down and then seeing how we put the other person first because we care about each other and our relationship. He makes me very happy just by being himself. He is a blessing to me and I'm still so surprised and thankful that God has placed him in my life. I don't say all of that to be cheesy or mushy. I say it because it is the truth. :)

Bummed

So, I won't be taking summer classes. I miscalculated how much this semester would cost and I lived off my leftover loan money last semester, so I won't have the money to take classes this summer. I am disappointed, to say the least. I don't want to be here for an extra semester. I don't want to have to take out extra loans. I feel so stupid for not figuring this out sooner and stupid for not saving my money. I won't be able to afford to live off campus next fall, either. That is a major let down. I misread info on tuition so everything is winding up costing more than I expected. I thought as long as you took no more than 24 hours, your tuition stayed the same. Well...I was wrong. You pay based on credit hour--which I knew...but I thought if you stayed within the hour limit, your bill didn't go up. So this semester my bill is around $2,000 or $3,000 more than last semester because I am taking 4 more hours. I'm really not sure what the deal is. I had originally signed up for an online class, but that class alone was over $1500 so I dropped it and picked up a class on campus instead. I am discouraged. Money is hard to come by right now for my family. Dad hasn't worked in over a month. They aren't doing without...people are taking care of them...but still. It's discouraging. Knowing that I have so much in loans already and now it's probably going to be even more just makes me want to cry. How am I ever going to pay all that back? I KNOW I did the right thing by coming here. I am not doubting God's call on my life. I am just really overwhelmed right now, and it's hard to see how it's all going to work out.

Hypoglycemic?

I think I am hypoglycemic. I have a lot of the symptoms and it explains a lot- fatigue, rapid heartbeat, feeling hungry even when I know I shouldn't, irritability, sweating...and the headaches I have been getting a lot...oh and the time I passed out when I still lived with Amanda. I never really thought about it until I was describing how I felt to one of my friends who happens to be hypoglycemic. She said that's just how she feels. So, I will make a doctor appointment on Monday. Hopefully I can get this figured out.

Almost break time again...

2 more days of class! Woohoo! I have on paper to write tonight and then a final. Thursday I am heading home and the bf is coming with me. I'm excited for him to meet Amanda...and hopefully Caleb, Rory, Karen, and Jay. We all know their opinions are SUPER important. If Rory and Caleb don't like Micah......in the words of Will, "We have some weally big pwoblems!" Haha.

I hope everyone has a great week!

Tragedy

I'm sure you are aware of the earthquake that hit Haiti. It hits close to the Asbury Seminary campus because we have students and faculty who have family there. Some of our alumni are among the injured. This also breaks my heart because many children sponsored through Compassion International have been affected. Compassion has several child development centers in the area hit by the earthquake. They still have not received word about the centers and children.

If you would like to help with the earthquake relief, you can donate through an organization set up by Asbury student Berteau Eliassaint. You can also donate through Compassion's website. I know the good work Compassion does because I sponsor a little girl in Uganda. She writes me letters and tells me how my sponorship has bought her clothes, food, and even farm animals that her family can raise.

I would also like to mention a tragedy that occured in my hometown. A schoolmate of my sister's was shot and killed by her child's father early this week. She was only 26 years old. She had not lived an easy life, by any means, but she was always a very sweet girl. She was going back to school to be a teacher. Please keep her family and friends in your prayers. I don't want people to forget her.

A few notes...

- What the heck Kiffin?
- I am thankful for a very good support system here at school who are good friends, even when I am in my introverted mode and go MIA.
- I am dating a great guy. He did a great job today of just being there because he knew I was having an off day (I'm still not sure why I feel so weird...). He tried to make me laugh and gave me hugs (which are good for cheering me up), and he prevented me from making a million impulse buys at Kroger when I went there on an empty stomach. Well, I'm not so sure that was a good thing because I still think I needed those Doritos. He did, however, let me buy the giant chocolate dipped cake donuts and icecream. I think he knew better than to mess with those. :)
- I am looking forward to the next few days and getting all my assignments done for my January class.
-I will be home on the 21st...yay!

Another post...wooooo

Well, I am getting settled again at school for January term. It is this week and Mon-Thurs next week. I only go for 3 hours a day, so that isn't too bad.

I haven't written in a while because I have had so much going on in my head lately that I just haven't known where to start. As usual, God is at work in my life and I have a hard time adjusting to change and learning how to change. Change isn't easy, even when I know I need to change.

I realize that spiritual battle that goes on in me each day. I fight a spirit of defeat, lack of confidence, and fear. I am afraid of failure, which keeps me from doing many things. I've realized that Satan uses my introvertedness against me. He turns that time into too much self-reflection and over-analyzing that leave me too mentally exhausted and defeated that I just sit in my room. I avoid my friends and other people. I don't listen to music, I don't watch tv, I don't do homework. I do absolutely nothing. But like I said...change isn't easy. I'm not sad or overwhelmed. I'm just...blah.

Maybe I will update more in the coming days. I'll just see how I feel.