Sunday, April 1, 2012

Blogging has obviously fallen by the wayside since starting my job. It's weird working mornings and afternoons on some days and then working afternoons and nights on other days. I don't think this is a schedule I will ever get used to, mostly because there is not much rhyme or reason to it. I just show up when they tell me to. It's weird not seeing Micah all day and then only seeing him for a couple hours or less before I have to go to bed. I figured at some point we would have this sort of schedule, working opposite days and opposite times. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's certainly not fantastic.'s temporary.

With each passing day I feel more ready to get out of here. It has nothing to do with where I am working. Micah and I both like our jobs and the people with whom we work. We just feel so disconnected. It's not that we have zero friends here, but something is missing. We don't feel at home. We have started seriously discussing "what next." I need some sort of plan. Either we need to make plans to pick a city and move by a certain date, or we need to get used to the idea of staying around here. Of course these conversations happen while we are applying for jobs. I suppose the conversations assume we won't find the jobs for which we are hoping. It's not that I think we won't find anything (I think I have a good chance at all the jobs I applied for last week), but I want to have a plan for what we are going to do if we don't get ministry jobs.

So, we have decided to start treating Kentucky like it is where we will be for a while. I am going to decorate the house and finish unpacking. We might plant a garden if our landlord will let us. We have yet to plug in to a new church. We have visited a few places but now we are dealing with our schedules. It kinda sucks when I work Saturday nights and Micah works Sunday mornings. There is a huge church nearby that offers enough services that we could find one that works, but we just aren't sure it is where we want to be. I think we are scared it may be too hard to get connected there because it is SO big. But, it seems just as hard to get connected in the smaller churches. Church shopping is no fun (I hate that term but I don't know what else to use).

I am beginning to wonder where God is in all of his. No, that's not what I am wondering. If I truly examine my heart and my thoughts, I am wondering why God isn't working things out the way I want him to. I am wondering why there aren't more available jobs close to home and why we haven't found jobs yet. I am wondering when are we supposed to begin trying to have children and what if God moves us far away from my family. I am wondering if God has a specific place he wants me to go, or if he is okay with Micah and me choosing somewhere that we think would be cool. If we do choose someplace, is God going to provide the jobs, housing, community that we need?

I am disappointed. I just knew we would have jobs soon after graduating. I just knew it. I just knew we would find ministry jobs. I know it's only been a few months, but it's starting to feel like we are going to be those people who spent loads of money on seminary and then never even use their degrees. Is that bad if that's what happens? No job I may or may not get will ever negate the truth that seminary was exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there. I have to keep telling myself that. But what if we don't get ministry jobs? What will we do instead?

These are the thoughts that have begun to keep me up at night. It's not so fun. I don't feel alone- I know God is near. But I am wondering if all the hopes and dreams I have will ever come true.