Friday, June 18, 2010

I love to ramble at night

It's late, and it's the quietest the house has been all day long. Not complainin', just sayin'. I've had a lot on my mind and (I suppose) a lot of thoughts I could blog, but I have gotten to a point where writing is more work than relaxing. Maybe it feels that way because I have to write so many papers for school. Maybe I have just become really lazy. Maybe both. I have a hard time writing even when I want to. Words don't flow as easily anymore. I type a sentence, re-word it, and then end up deleting it altogether. Before I know it, I've deleted paragraphs and the whole page is blank. I think I have gotten far too good at internalizing and just not talking about anything too personal. Even now I can feel myself shutting down, not wanting to share, not wanting to think, not wanting to have to deal with any feelings that may arise. Yet, I feel like I need to get things out. No, nothing bad is happening in my life nor am I working through a huge problem. I just feel a hole somewhere in my life, and I think it's from the loss of friends and truly sharing what's on my heart and being understood by a good friend. Moving on...

The other thing on my mind tonight is how scared I am of being in "women's" ministry. I am so afraid that I will get pegged as only being able to minister to women and that my gifts and talents can't be used on a broader scale. I know that makes no sense considering I feel called to work with women. What is there to be afraid of if that is where He is calling me? I feel called to love people in Christ and help them find their identities in Him. And by people I mean women. But why is it so hard for me to say I feel called to women's ministry? And how is it that I am called to women's ministry when 1) all my life most of my friends have been guys 2) I am not a girly girl at all 3) women get on my nerves. I don't see it as God trying to be funny or make my plans look stupid. I see it as him loving me so much to not let me stay in my comfort zone. I see it as his abundant grace that has put me on the path He has for me, rather than the one I might have set out for myself. I see it as his perfect provision. I won't lie, I still wonder how I will ever get to the point where I can be an effective "minister." I know technically seminary is preparing me for that, but I'm not talking about methods and programs. I'm talking about living, breathing, walking, talking my ministry in every facet of my life. All of me has to reflect Him. I know I will never be perfect until he makes me perfect, but I should always strive to please him. And honestly, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just don't care. I make headway in some areas of my life (like being nicer to people) and then take what seems like 100 steps backward in other areas of my life (like being nicer to people...ha!). I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and so does God. I know he will keep up his end of the deal, and I must keep chipping away, little by little at the things he brings to my awareness that need to change or disappear completely. I am thankful that he doesn't lose focus like I do. I am thankful he wants me. I am thankful he sent his Son for us. I am thankful he loves me. I pray that I live that thankfulness and mutual love in my life each day and that there would be no doubt that his Spirit lives in me.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Still no witty idea for a title

There's not too much going on with me. I watched Lorelai all day Monday. We had tons of fun! :) She is such a good baby, even when she doesn't feel well. The day flew by!

Micah has a big gash in his leg from a chain saw. Not a huge deal except that he probably needs stitches but didn't get it stitched up. That boy gets on my nerves when it comes to his health. He always puts things off. It worries me sometimes, but he's a grown-up. He can take care of himself. (We've officially been dating 7 months today!)

Speaking of men and their health, dad is having a tooth surgically removed today. It has been killing him for a while because his gums are receding and have left a nerve exposed. He went to have it pulled this morning at the regular dentist, but they decided he needed to go to the oral surgeon. So, prayers are appreciated for a quick and painless recovery!

That's about it from around here. Next week will be busy with VBS at my friend Liz's church. I'm doing the preschool story/lesson time. Hopefully it will be a great week!

Monday, June 7, 2010

I hate coming up with titles

I have neglected this here blog. I think so much most of the time that writing on here feels like work sometimes. I also have been busy with school. Anyhoo...I am home at my parents' for the summer. So far it has been good and restful.

Micah is in Michigan working at a summer camp, and I miss him much more than I expected. It's crazy how much our relationship has evolved and deepened in a relatively short period of time. I never really thought I would find a person who loves me like he does, and I never thought I would love anyone like I love him. I don't mean the sappy, warm-fuzzy feelings love- I mean the kind of love where you love the whole person, not just the parts that make you feel warm and fuzzy. Our love for each other comes naturally, but that's not to say we don't put a lot of work or effort into the relationship. We had the luxury (or misfortune) to put a lot of our "junk" out in the open at the beginning. Getting to know each other and our junk- and then working through that junk- is/has not been easy. I have had major doubts along the way, but I have trusted God to guide my steps and reveal where this relationship needs to go and if it needs to end. He has been more than faithful, and this month marks 7 months since we started dating! :)

I am still processing my first year in seminary. I love being able to identify ways God has worked and is working in me. I had been sensing that he was leading me to minister not just to young women but women of all ages, and He has recently been confirming that. It worries me a bit to say that out loud (or in print) because I don't want to get pegged into the women's ministry role as if there were no other place for me. I believe women can be leaders in ministry, whether it be to women, children/youth, or whole congregations. I see such a need for women to find their identities in Christ and let go of pride, insecurity, and jealousy. I could write a whole post on this topic but that would take a long time. Moving on...

God is tirelessly working on me, and a lot of the time it hurts. He has changed me a lot, though it took a while for me to notice even the slightest thing. Now I can see how my mindset about many things has changed, how my thoughts have changed. I haven't just sat around waiting for change to happen. I have worked to let go of things that bring me down and do not build up the Church, i.e. gossip (including celebrity gossip). Gossip is hurtful and divisive, whether I know the person or not. I am trying to see people in the image of God, as God's prized creations, not as commodities to be consumed. I want to be love. I want to give love. My mom says she has noticed a (positive) difference in me. That compliment wasn't received as a source of pride but as encouragement to pursue God even more. It is relieving and motivating to know that God hasn't given up on me, nor will he ever.

As much as I hate the school aspect of Asbury, I am certain that it is where God wants me. He has thrown me into a place where I MUST deal with my crap, where I won't be let off the hook. He has surrounded me with people who love and challenge me. He has given me Micah. He has revealed his love for and to me. I am so thankful.

PS- I turned comments off because I kept getting spam. Feel free to leave a comment or message on Facebook.