Monday, May 9, 2011

That's Life

Oh my word, the last several weeks have been so hectic, emotional, and hard! Last week was especially tough as school, wedding planning, and moving all intersected. School, no doubt, has taken a back seat to everything else, and Micah and I are just trying to keep our heads above water long enough to be done for the semester. He has two more papers. I have 2 big papers and a project. Hopefully we can finish up everything this week (we only have until next week to turn things in), but now Micah is sick. He really doesn't need to miss any work since he has to take off for the wedding, but it's looking like he will miss another day of work tomorrow. In addition to that, right now he is in IN getting his stuff to move it into our new home. This has been the most stressful move I have ever been a part of. It seems like nothing has worked in our favor. Everything has been more difficult and taken more time than it should have. We are/have been emotionally and spiritually depleted. Admittedly, that is our fault and not God's.

My relationship with God has been on the backburner for a couple of months, if I'm being honest. It has been so hard to keep all my stuff in harmony, and lots of times it is easier for me to run and hide than it is to ask for help, whether from God or from friends. Well, I can't hide anymore. The last couple weeks have been awful. Micah and I have argued, we have been sick and tired, down and out. The stress and traveling and moving and school and him working have worn us out. But you know what? All that amounts to is wasted time spent worrying and arguing over stuff that isn't worth worrying and arguing about. Yes, it's hard to understand sometimes how finances work out. We have both been sick and exhausted. We have homework to do. We had a hard time finding a trailer to help us move. Gas is expensive. I am lonely. I miss home. We want to be done with school and move on from here. Etc, etc, etc.

Regardless, I will choose to be joyful and look to the Lord to supply my needs. I haven't been doing that. I have been worrying and fretting and trying to fix things. After one more thing was added to the list of frustrations last night, I had had enough. I laid in my bed and sobbed for a little while. In some ways, it felt good. In other ways, it felt so lonely and defeating. Trying to process my feelings, I realized that Micah and I are under spiritual attack. Does that mean I think Satan caused all the crazy stuff to happen that has happened in the past week (and that I haven't mentioned here)? No. But I do think he is trying to influence our reactions to everything that has happened. He is trying to steal our joy, make us doubt, and drive us apart from God and each other. I refuse to be beaten down! I refuse to lay in my bed and cry alone. I will reach out like I did last night. I will find things that make me happy, and I will turn my gaze to God. I will encourage Micah and be the positive and prayerful one when he is too sick and tired to do anything but be sick and tired (like he is today).

Lord, we are struggling, but you see us. You see our frustrations and fears. None of this has caught you off guard. Lord, you know our hearts. We want to serve you and serve each other. We want our faith to grow so that we aren't so easily dejected when life throws us curve balls. Lord, none of this is THAT big of a deal. You are more than enough for us. I pray that we feel that and believe that today. Lord, we are not alone. You have had your hand of protection over us and over our relationship. Lord, you provide rest and peace just when we think we can't take anymore. You are good. Even if you never did another thing for us, you are still good because you are God. The prayer of my heart today is "Lord, blessed be your name." Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord! Blessed be your glorious name! You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name! Lord give us the strength and the courage to finish this semester well and to enter into marriage with our hearts and our eyes fully on you. Thank you for all the things you have blessed us with: a new couch and chair and the furniture we already had, family who loves and supports us, understanding professors, an environment where your Spirit is constantly at work. Thank you for Micah and our relationship. Thank you for leading and guiding us through the difficulties of two learning to become one as we get closer to our wedding. Thank you for your protection and grace. Your mercies are new each morning and I praise you, Lord! I love you, Lord! In your name I pray, Amen.