Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Do any of you struggle with perfectionism? For a long time I thought that I had worked past it because it wasn't so obvious. Lately, however, I've realized that I'm not past it, and it is a HUGE struggle. I am not type A in the sense that I am organized and insanely tidy BUT I have extremely high expectations for myself. Even when I say, "Oh it's ok I didn't do so well in this class," on the inside I'm thinking, "You're stupid. You're lazy. You're not as good as other people. You aren't smart. No one is going to like you. No one really likes you or loves you. They just think they do."

Today was one of those days. I was babysitting, and I just kept getting so frustrated (which isn't normal because the kids are great!). I dropped a spoon and splattered baby food on myself twice. I kinda messed up two bowls in the microwave. I couldn't get the baby to eat. Etc. But seriously, I dropped the stupid spoon TWICE?!? And it landed on my shorts TWICE?!? All I could think was, "Dangit Sara you are so stupid. You are a bad babysitter. Good babysitters never make a mess and always get the kid to eat." I'm aware that my thinking was completely irrational. Perfectionism is always irrational. Nothing and no one is ever perfect. I know this. So why do I feel such a need to be perfect? I was venting to Micah about my day and he said, "Man your self-esteem has really been low lately." And he's right. The last several weeks it has been the lowest I can remember. I've literally wanted to crawl under a table and hide. I don't look perfect (let's not talk about the weight I've gained, the dark circles always under my eyes, etc.), dress perfect (I hate shopping and feel so intimidated in stores), talk perfect (whether that means saying the right things or speaking at a normal pace), or walk perfect (I slump). I don't do school perfectly (I've made 2 C's...ridiculous and very unlike me!). I don't do relationships perfectly. I feel like a hopeless case, a huge mess, 116 pounds of ridiculousness. These things have been dominating my thoughts lately. No wonder my self-esteem is so low!

So back to my you struggle with perfectionism? And/or do you have any biblical advice on the matter? I know I may seem like a big mess when I write here and I often feel like a big mess, but my life is not a mess. But, sometimes when God works to change us it's painful and messy. I am NOT a mess. I am NOT ugly, or fat, or stupid, or a hopeless case, or any other of the lies the devil would like me to believe. I am beautiful, I am loved, I am cared for and about, I am remembered, I am valued, and on and on. Sometimes it's important to say/write those things. Let them sink in. Maybe someday I will truly, deeply, and forever believe them. Have you ever heard phrases or whatnot about the devil "stealing your joy?" That's exactly how I feel. That makes me think of the song, "I went to the enemy's camp and I took back what he stole from me...he's under my feet, Satan is under my feet!" Maybe I should sing myself to sleep with that song...

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