Friday, June 18, 2010

I love to ramble at night

It's late, and it's the quietest the house has been all day long. Not complainin', just sayin'. I've had a lot on my mind and (I suppose) a lot of thoughts I could blog, but I have gotten to a point where writing is more work than relaxing. Maybe it feels that way because I have to write so many papers for school. Maybe I have just become really lazy. Maybe both. I have a hard time writing even when I want to. Words don't flow as easily anymore. I type a sentence, re-word it, and then end up deleting it altogether. Before I know it, I've deleted paragraphs and the whole page is blank. I think I have gotten far too good at internalizing and just not talking about anything too personal. Even now I can feel myself shutting down, not wanting to share, not wanting to think, not wanting to have to deal with any feelings that may arise. Yet, I feel like I need to get things out. No, nothing bad is happening in my life nor am I working through a huge problem. I just feel a hole somewhere in my life, and I think it's from the loss of friends and truly sharing what's on my heart and being understood by a good friend. Moving on...

The other thing on my mind tonight is how scared I am of being in "women's" ministry. I am so afraid that I will get pegged as only being able to minister to women and that my gifts and talents can't be used on a broader scale. I know that makes no sense considering I feel called to work with women. What is there to be afraid of if that is where He is calling me? I feel called to love people in Christ and help them find their identities in Him. And by people I mean women. But why is it so hard for me to say I feel called to women's ministry? And how is it that I am called to women's ministry when 1) all my life most of my friends have been guys 2) I am not a girly girl at all 3) women get on my nerves. I don't see it as God trying to be funny or make my plans look stupid. I see it as him loving me so much to not let me stay in my comfort zone. I see it as his abundant grace that has put me on the path He has for me, rather than the one I might have set out for myself. I see it as his perfect provision. I won't lie, I still wonder how I will ever get to the point where I can be an effective "minister." I know technically seminary is preparing me for that, but I'm not talking about methods and programs. I'm talking about living, breathing, walking, talking my ministry in every facet of my life. All of me has to reflect Him. I know I will never be perfect until he makes me perfect, but I should always strive to please him. And honestly, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just don't care. I make headway in some areas of my life (like being nicer to people) and then take what seems like 100 steps backward in other areas of my life (like being nicer to people...ha!). I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and so does God. I know he will keep up his end of the deal, and I must keep chipping away, little by little at the things he brings to my awareness that need to change or disappear completely. I am thankful that he doesn't lose focus like I do. I am thankful he wants me. I am thankful he sent his Son for us. I am thankful he loves me. I pray that I live that thankfulness and mutual love in my life each day and that there would be no doubt that his Spirit lives in me.

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