Saturday, September 26, 2009

Oh how far I have come!!

I made a B on a paper, and I am not the least bit upset. I've never made less than an A on a paper in my whole life. True story. I just feel like what I'm learning is more important than stressing over grades, so I'm doing enough to do okay. That doesn't mean I don't want to make A's. It means that I am not going to have anxiety just to make an A. Does that make sense?

This past week was kinda hard for me emotionally. I was missing my friends at home, the cafeteria food was awful, and the weather was (is) gross. I just wanted to climb in bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep for days. I shared how I was feeling with my roommate, and I think that helped Friday to be a much better day. Plus, I got a home cooked meal last night. Oh the wonders of a good meal.

I now realize that coming to Kentucky was the first step in this new faith journey God has me on. He is challenging me constantly, and I feel myself pushing back often. I don't want to push back. I want to surrender. It's hard letting go of things, though. I don't mind sharing that I am probably going to go to a counselor while I'm here. Many, if not most, seminary students go to counseling at some point. I think that is wonderful. We are the people who are or will be spiritual leaders, and we need to be living in God's freedom and power. I don't mean to suggest that therapy is the only way to do that. I do think it is a good and helpful way to bring about emotional and spiritual healing. I have always known that seminary would not be a purely academic journey for me. I have prepared myself for the work that I know God must do in my life. Somehow I think that has ended with me putting up more walls than I had before. Please be praying that I won't be so afraid to fully surrender to God. Please pray that I will fully accept his love and forgiveness. Pray that I will walk in power and confidence that He gives me. Pray that emotionally I won't be a basket case through this whole process. I know God wants to transform me, and I want to be transformed.

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