In related news, I surely do not love living in the seminary bubble. It's a small school, so people assume that your business is their business. If you hang out with a member of the opposite sex, everyone assumes you like the person and/or that you are dating that person. Then they talk about it and come asking questions like they're your BFF. And then I snap on them. Yes. I let a girl have it and told her to stay out of my business. She still tries to invade my space and hug me and such. I am not a touch person. Seminary will be the death of me...or the person who keeps touching me.
Classes are going fine. I'm behind on reading, but I'll catch up sometime. I'm still not sure what path God is leading me down, as far as vocation. I'm having a hard time just "being" and waiting and trusting. I know what God has put in my heart, but I'm really confused and starting to get discouraged. This week has been kinda tough for me mentally and emotionally because of that. I feel out of place and a bit insecure. I will never be the quiet, sweet, pious woman that I feel pressured to be. I am not happy all the time. I rarely wear makeup and rarely wear anything besides jeans and a t-shirt. I am just myself, and I am so afraid that isn't good enough. I know, God made who I am and he wants to use me just as I am and all of that. I have tons of friends here who love me and tell me so ALL the time. I know all this. I'm just being human. I feel inadequate. I feel useless. I feel lonely. I feel like no one is ever going to want me. Will I ever feel any different? And if I can't get this all figured out, how in the world will I ever be able to minister to girls and young women?
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I feel inadequate. I feel useless. I feel lonely. I do think we will feel differently one day. I do think that God has amazing things in store for us, that sometimes will discourage us, because we are only human, and don't feel worthy of such an amazing journey. I keep thinking of what I thought was a verse, but can't find on my handy-dandy verse-finding website, which is: "set your sights on things above..." I have to stop thinking in terms of what this world can offer me, and start thinking about what God has in store for me, both here and in Heaven.
We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God; those who are called according to His purpose.
Rom. 8:28
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