Let's try this again...

I am not a consistent blogger, this we know. I thought maybe this semester I would blog often with updates about the wedding or about engaged life. Alas, I just have not had the energy or the want-to.

I have had a really hard time being excited about everything- being engaged, getting married, making a home with Micah. This really began to wear on me after a while and made me depressed. I had 2 bridal showers while at home for spring break, but I struggled to be present and enjoy what was happening. It really has felt like life has been moving around me while I just watch and miss out on the action. In reality, it has been the feeling of fun and enjoyment I've been missing out on. I was asked so many times while I was home if I was "getting excited." My reaction was always to say, "Yes of course!" I realized later that was a lie.

I haven't been excited. Not even a little. I have been consumed with worry. I have wondered how we are going to pay bills, if/where/when we are going to find jobs after we graduate, where we are going to live, and on and on and on. This makes me have a bad attitude and resent Micah (resent him for what, I'm not sure). Then, I don't act very nice to him and push him away. I was so confused because I love Micah and want to marry him. I know God has called us together. Of that, I have no doubt. So why do I get so worried about stuff and in turn take my anxieties, fears, and frustrations out on Micah? Easy. I don't trust God.

Ok, so that wasn't any easy conclusion to come to and it took me a few months. But I've realized that my relationship with Micah mirrors my relationship with God. If I am pushing God away, distrusting that he has my best interest in mind and that he loves me, I tend to act the same way towards Micah. It's not that Micah is God to me, or a god/idol to me. I think it's that God has pulled me closer to Him by revealing things about Himself through Micah. I understand God's love more fully because of Micah. I understand what it means to love myself and be proud of who I am because of Micah's love for me. But, I digress.

So, I realized I had been pushing both God and Micah away, and I finally heard God say (not audibly) "You don't trust me." As of late, I have been absolutely consumed with worry about finances, complete with physical symptoms- headache, fatigue, upset stomach. It zapped the joy right out of me. I couldn't enjoy my showers because I was either worried about what people thought about what I had on or about how much stuff we would still need to buy after the wedding. I couldn't look forward to a honeymoon because I knew we didn't have money for one right now. Money and the lack of it was all I could think about. I confessed this to God and confessed that I haven't been trusting him. I confessed that I haven't been honoring Micah because worrying so much makes me cranky. And I asked God to help me enjoy this time.

I really don't want to miss out on the excitement of being engaged, getting married, and setting up home. I want to enjoy every second I can. I want to love and appreciate Micah regardless of my mood. I want to relax and breathe and laugh and be excited. I prayed that God would help me be excited. I prayed that he would show me how to love Micah and that he would help me show that to Micah, as I am not a very affectionate person. I can't say that my worry is 100% gone because I still feel that tightness in my chest that comes when I'm anxious. But, I am trusting God, and now I feel excited about the future. God even showed me some ways to show Micah how much I love him today. What a blessing!

I had a long conversation with God only a night or two ago, and I am already seeing him answer prayers. I am thankful that he has shown me how to pray his will. It is God's will that I show Micah how much I love him (Micah) and that I enjoy the blessings God gives me. It is God's will that I celebrate coming together with a godly man so that we may bring glory to God together. I know these are things God wants for me. I know they are things he has already said "yes" to. The jobs, the house, the location, the money- those things will come in God's timing and in his way. But, I know God will provide. He WILL provide. We are okay now. We will be okay this summer. We will be okay in January when we need jobs and a new place to live. God will provide, as he always does in his own way and timing. My job is not to worry or control, but to trust. I pray I finally learn this lesson for good.