All this worry, worry, worry

I read a blog post the other day by a woman who gave up worrying for Lent. She tells of her experience dealing with the sin of worry. I haven't been able to quit thinking about it. The "sin" of worry. Worrying is a sin. Ouch. I have struggled with worry and anxiety for a long time. I accepted it as my normal and have tried different tricks to overcome it or ignore it. Though some have worked in varying degrees, they don't get to the root of the problem, the root of my sin. The problem is that I don't trust God. The problem is that my view of who God is and what he does isn't the same as who God says he is and what he says he does. I think my life should be easy. I think nothing bad should ever happen to me, that God should protect me. I think that hard things aren't fair and that other people have life easier than I do. But none of that is true. More bluntly put, they are lies straight from Satan himself and undermine my relationship with Christ.

You see, I've gotten into this habit of thinking I deserve the things I want and thinking that Christ owes me something. It all started innocently enough, I'm sure, since I have not consciously said "God, you owe me." It has been more subtle than that. I start looking at people around me and the lives they lead. I want what they have- happiness, money, no worries, a nice home, a good job, etc. They give glory to God for all they have and it makes me ask, "Where are you God? Why don't you answer my prayers the way you answer theirs?"

And you see, that is my problem. As someone said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." I took my eyes off Jesus and began looking at everyone else around me. I began to falter. Then I fell into sin. I envied, I coveted, I worried. I stopped trusting God and instead looked to other things for my security- Micah, money, a job. Then it expanded to other things. I began thinking that if I looked better or talked better (no Southern accent) then things would be different and I would be happy. If only I had this or that or could travel here or there I would enjoy life so much more. If only I knew how to shoot a gun or had an alarm or lived behind a gate then I would be safe. If I had money then I could pay off our student loans, buy a house or rent a nice one, not have to worry about rising gas prices. But...BUT...NONE of that matters. Luke 17:33 says, "If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it" (NLT). And I get it now. It's not that I will die (though eventually we all will unless Jesus comes back before then). It's that I will be miserable and miss out in life as I do everything in my power to save my life and attain all these things and compare myself to other people (I can't take credit for this idea. I read it somewhere recently as someone explained Luke 17:33, but I can't remember where/who). John 10:10 says that Christ came so we could have abundant life. That life is exactly what I lose when I take my eyes off Christ.

So by now you may be wondering how we got here from the title of this post. Simply put: worry is a sin. Sin and a misunderstanding of who God is and what he does lead me to doubt God's goodness. That leads me to worry. If I get rid of the sin, I can get rid of the worry. It sounds simple, but I am struggling. As I type this I am trying not think about the storms forecast for tomorrow (and Friday, for that matter). Most people who know me know how scared I am of severe storms and tornadoes. It is a battle for me. I have learned that there is healthy concern and having a watchful eye, but for me that often turns to plain worry about something bad happening. I have lived through bad storms and even a tornado. It was terrifying. But ya know what? Even if a bad storm hits my town or my home, God still holds me in the palm of his hand. Even if I lose all material possessions, God is still good and he is still faithful. Even if I lose my life- glory to God! Satan can never, ever take me from God's hand. As the song says: "No power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from his hand. Til he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I stand." That is my life song and I sing at the top of my lungs any time we sing it in church. It is what I want for my life- a heart so tuned to Jesus that I don't fear hard times or even death. I simply trust God and who he is. Please be praying for me. I know many others fight this battle of worry and I pray in Christ's name that he would break the chains of worry on all of us. This may be a lifelong long battle for me (I hope not), but I claim victory in the name of Jesus!

I will leave you with the lyrics of "In Christ Alone." I pray you will be blessed and when you hear it maybe you will think of me and pray for me. And when I hear it, I will praise God for who is he and pray for all of you who are in this battle against worry with me.

"In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Ash Wednesday

Today, for those who may not know, is Ash Wednesday and marks the beginning of Lent, the season before Easter on the church calendar. I didn't grow up in a tradition that observed Lent or the church calendar. My first encounter with things like liturgy and the church calendar happened in college. Since then I've attended a seminary in the Wesleyan/Methodist tradition and have learned even more about what the season of Lent is about. I don't intend it explain it here- I'm sure you can find a good explanation on wikipedia. I will say, unlike the Catholic tradition, I don't see Lent as a time where I need to pay penance for my sins. I know that when I confess my sins and ask for forgiveness, God forgives me for them. There is no need for me to hang my head in defeat and punish myself in order to find some favor with God. I like this article I read today. It explains why Lent is about experiencing more, not about giving something up.

This year for Lent, I have decided to abstain from something that will affect my life and my attitude. It will daily point me back to Christ as I remove one thing from my life in order to replace it with Christ. It's not important what I'm giving up, as God reveals different things to each one of us. The important thing is that I am going to use this time as a refocusing on God and surrender of the perceived control I have on my life. I don't want to simply mildly disrupt my life for 40 days. I want to make lasting changes and celebrate Easter as someone who has been transformed.

I will try to blog parts of this journey and what I am learning. I may also set up a blog schedule and blog something different each day (i.e. Lenten updates on one day, a new recipe on another day, something marriage related on another day, etc.). If you've noticed, I have been cautious to commit myself to anything blog related as I'm sure I have not always followed through. But as I feel God calling me to write as a way of keeping me accountable to my commitments to him, I sense that this whole blog thing will become a part of my daily, or at least weekly, life. As always, we'll see.

If you are observing Lent this year, I'd love to hear what you are learning or what God is doing in your life. Even if you aren't observing Lent, feel free to share things God is teaching you.

What Now?

I have been thinking about starting a new blog, one to which I will consistently post. It would be a blog with more direction, something with purpose. So much has changed in the past 9 months or so since getting married, and there seems to be no end in sight for change around here. We have moved twice, endured through some (minor) health issues, graduated, and now we are embarking on life free of school work but full of applying for jobs and attempting to discern where God is leading us next. To say the task is daunting would be an understatement. We are thankful to still be in the seminary community (Micah is still employed there) but looking forward to being settled and having permanent housing and jobs. I'd be lying if I said that we haven't let the stress get to us. We are much better this week than we have been, more secure in where God has presently placed us and feeling more confident about the future. We know God has a plan and purpose for our lives together and separately, and we are trying to keep our eyes fixed on that. But, I am getting antsy.

In the midst of all that, I am feeling the itch to write and feel like the Holy Spirit himself is prompting me. We'll see what happens and what direction this takes me. If I start a new blog, I'll be sure to let all two of you know :). As always, prayers are appreciated.

God is good and he has not left us alone or without hope!

On singleness and getting married

**edit** This is the 3rd draft of this. I had more to add the more I thought about it.

I'm guessing that what I'm going to write isn't going to be what some people want to hear. Truth is, it has become cliche' to say, "You just need seek God so that you can figure out who you are (in Him)" while single. However cliche', it's still the truth, and a truth that many women want to ignore. If you want to know how I did it, how I found a man I wanted to marry, a man God sent to me, here ya go: I worked to get my life together apart from everyone but God. I was tired of being miserable (about life in general) and determined not to date another guy who wasn't worthy to date me. I knew there were changes in my life that couldn't happen if I was wrapped up in another person or in some daydream about the future. I had to live in the present and allow God to strip away all the junk from my life. I didn't wallow anymore about being single. I didn't cry. I didn't ask, "Oh God where is the man for me?" There was no point. I knew God was calling me to focus on him. So, I focused on allowing God to make me in to who he wanted me to be. He did the rest. He did the changing, and he sent me Micah.

On the surface, Micah is not what I would have ever picked out for myself in a million years. He was not my "type" at all (I wasn't his type either), and he loved country music. Eek :). Our relationship was difficult from day one. We were both determined not to date another "wrong" person, and that meant we were constantly evaluating our relationship and asking hard questions. We enjoyed each other's company, and he treated me well. He was (and is) so sweet and he would kiss me on the forehead 17 times in a row (or so it seemed). But, things were still hard as we sought God's will and tried our best to be understanding of each other. Each of us processes things in different ways and at different speeds. We began officially dating in November, and in January I felt God telling me that 1) I was going to have to choose to love Micah, rather than "feeling" in love first and 2) I was going to have to fight for our relationship. Those were intimidating and scary thoughts. I wondered what they meant, but as time went on, it was revealed to me. Choosing to love Micah meant I must make a conscious decision to love him and stick things out until/unless I felt God telling me to move on. Fighting for our relationship meant choosing to stick through the hard times while he sorted things out and choosing to confront baggage in my own life so that our relationship could succeed until/unless God told me to move on. I told God "ok" to loving Micah and to fighting for us in January, and I finally "felt" like I loved him a couple months later.

Our relationship remained tough. We were both trying so hard to keep our hearts open and unencumbered so that God could continue to grow and change us. We were learning how to not put God on the back burner as we learned how to love each other. We were learning how to get rid of relationship baggage that we were still hanging on to. It came to the point that though I had come to love Micah very much, I told him that if it ever came down to choosing between him and God, I would choose God. It was the first time in my life I could ever honestly say that I would choose God over a relationship/friendship with someone else. I wasn't scared what would happen without Micah. I knew that regardless of what happened, I would be fine. I trusted God to lead me. We made it through a rocky, long distance summer, and a couple of months later we were engaged. There were many times along the way when I prayed, "God, what are you doing? I don't understand this. God, this is so hard. We are so different! I trust you, Lord. I trust you to lead me." Trusting God in my relationship with Micah is one of the biggest leaps of faith I have ever taken. I had never trusted God with a relationship before. Micah and I both know we would never have made it if we hadn't sought God all along our relationship. And now we're married :).

Lest you think that now everything is sunshine and roses every day, I will let you know that things are still hard. Micah doesn't make things hard, and I don't make things difficult for him. It's just that God is still working on both of us. We love each other infinitely, and I am so thankful for Micah. I like waking up in the middle of the night and knowing he's there. I like snuggling up next to him and kissing him on the back or neck (because he's sleeping facing the other direction). But we are now learning what it means to be married, while still dealing with baggage from our past. We are done dealing with old relationship baggage and now dealing with hurts/misconceptions/etc picked up from 25 and 28 years of living. It has brought us closer together, and God is honoring our efforts to let go of the junk. God has done a mighty work in both of us starting before we knew each other and continuing today. God has used Micah to reveal His unconditional love for me. I wouldn't be who I am without God working through Micah. I am grateful, blessed, and in love; however, I know God could have chosen to work through different people or in different ways. I am so happy he chose to use Micah in my life!

Moral of the story: If you think you will ever be happy, single/married/whatever, without dealing with junk in your life and without allowing God to restore and redeem you, you are kidding yourself and allowing the enemy to deceive you. No man can make you happy or can love you the way God can. If your expectation is to go from miserably single to infinitely happily married, you will be expecting more from your husband and marriage than either was ever meant to provide. You will be sorely disappointed and just has miserable as before.

I don't say this to be mean or harsh. I just want to be honest. I'm tired of women telling other women what they want to hear when we're telling each other lies. We need the truth. We have to know and believe our worth and identities in Christ. I am finally figuring out who I am in Christ, and it is liberating! God has used countless people in my life the last couple years to help me see myself as He sees me. It's not me who did any of this. It has been all God. I just simply said, "I'm willing." You have to be willing to allow God to change you, for him to become all you desire, before you will ever be ready for marriage.

Bittersweet

As I reflect on all the changes that will be taking place over the next few months and the excitement that comes along with new adventures, Micah and I are aware that it will definitely be hard to move away from our friends here. We don't know if we will move out of this area, but if we do we will be leaving some great people. Plus, we are really starting to like Lexington. We would be okay living there. I am thankful for the time we have spent here and for the our friends.

Rain, Rain...

...go away. Well, I really don't mind the rain so much as the gloomyness that comes along with it. As I type I am sitting on campus avoiding the rain and storms. I hate to be home alone when it storms. The worst has passed, I suppose, but I have to get gas on my way home and I certainly don't want to do that with it still lightning outside. Also, I need to go to the bookstore before leaving campus so I can buy and start reading some books for class.

I was able to have a quiet time before coming to campus this morning. Randomly the other day, I realized that my bedroom is so much more inviting when the curtains and blinds are open and my bed is made. That might sound silly, but I have been needing/craving a cozy place to read, pray, and think. It's like God opened my eyes and suddenly I could see the potential in my room. I am grateful. Now I can start each morning by letting the sun in the windows, making my bed, and having my quiet time with the Lord. It gives a sense of purpose and direction to my day while also letting me feel a bit productive. That gives me motivation to finish other things on my to-do list.

I am thankful for what might seem like small blessings that God provides. It really is the small things that make up and enrich life. If I'm being honest, though, I have been very discontent lately as I read about my friends and acquaintances getting great jobs, moving exciting places, and doing big things for the Lord. I just keep wondering what God has in store for Micah and me. I begin to get really excited, but then I feel afraid to get my hopes up. It's not that I think God will let me down; it's that I don't want to disappoint myself. I don't want to have unrealistic expectations and hopes that are not in God's plan for me. Yes, I realize that as I seek him he will bring my hopes and desires in line with His. It's just that I am feeling a little insecure in life right now (as if that isn't obvious). As I wrote the other day, I refuse to sit around worrying about things. I just need to vent and hear what I'm thinking. Things make more sense that way and then seem so much smaller and lighter.

Decisions, Decisions

I graduate in 4 months. FOUR. Micah and I need to find jobs and a new home in that time. We probably have 5 months before we have to be out of our townhouse, but I would love to have jobs and a home lined up before then. It's intimidating and fear-inducing when you're not sure what direction God is leading and with the economy and job market in their current state. I think that's what scares me the most. I have wondered/asked God several times, "How are you going to give me a job when there aren't any?" Then I remember, "Oh yeah...you're God!" I am determined to not let the worry consume me, and right now that is a moment-to-moment process. But I want to enjoy life right now and look forward to what God has in store for me. I don't want to be miserable, and why should I be? God is our provider, and he has never left me without a roof over my head or food to eat. He has always provided for my needs, whether that means giving me great friends, an affordable home, or scholarships at school. For that I am grateful. God is faithful and has proven himself over and over. The least I can do is trust him. God knows what I need more than I do. In my commitment to trust him, I am making a list of what we need when we move. I am committing these things to God:

• Jobs
• that we love
• that allow us to serve God and fulfill his calling on our lives
• that allow us to provide for our needs
• A nice and affordable place to live
• Friends
• A great church
• Courage