That's Life

Oh my word, the last several weeks have been so hectic, emotional, and hard! Last week was especially tough as school, wedding planning, and moving all intersected. School, no doubt, has taken a back seat to everything else, and Micah and I are just trying to keep our heads above water long enough to be done for the semester. He has two more papers. I have 2 big papers and a project. Hopefully we can finish up everything this week (we only have until next week to turn things in), but now Micah is sick. He really doesn't need to miss any work since he has to take off for the wedding, but it's looking like he will miss another day of work tomorrow. In addition to that, right now he is in IN getting his stuff to move it into our new home. This has been the most stressful move I have ever been a part of. It seems like nothing has worked in our favor. Everything has been more difficult and taken more time than it should have. We are/have been emotionally and spiritually depleted. Admittedly, that is our fault and not God's.

My relationship with God has been on the backburner for a couple of months, if I'm being honest. It has been so hard to keep all my stuff in harmony, and lots of times it is easier for me to run and hide than it is to ask for help, whether from God or from friends. Well, I can't hide anymore. The last couple weeks have been awful. Micah and I have argued, we have been sick and tired, down and out. The stress and traveling and moving and school and him working have worn us out. But you know what? All that amounts to is wasted time spent worrying and arguing over stuff that isn't worth worrying and arguing about. Yes, it's hard to understand sometimes how finances work out. We have both been sick and exhausted. We have homework to do. We had a hard time finding a trailer to help us move. Gas is expensive. I am lonely. I miss home. We want to be done with school and move on from here. Etc, etc, etc.

Regardless, I will choose to be joyful and look to the Lord to supply my needs. I haven't been doing that. I have been worrying and fretting and trying to fix things. After one more thing was added to the list of frustrations last night, I had had enough. I laid in my bed and sobbed for a little while. In some ways, it felt good. In other ways, it felt so lonely and defeating. Trying to process my feelings, I realized that Micah and I are under spiritual attack. Does that mean I think Satan caused all the crazy stuff to happen that has happened in the past week (and that I haven't mentioned here)? No. But I do think he is trying to influence our reactions to everything that has happened. He is trying to steal our joy, make us doubt, and drive us apart from God and each other. I refuse to be beaten down! I refuse to lay in my bed and cry alone. I will reach out like I did last night. I will find things that make me happy, and I will turn my gaze to God. I will encourage Micah and be the positive and prayerful one when he is too sick and tired to do anything but be sick and tired (like he is today).

Lord, we are struggling, but you see us. You see our frustrations and fears. None of this has caught you off guard. Lord, you know our hearts. We want to serve you and serve each other. We want our faith to grow so that we aren't so easily dejected when life throws us curve balls. Lord, none of this is THAT big of a deal. You are more than enough for us. I pray that we feel that and believe that today. Lord, we are not alone. You have had your hand of protection over us and over our relationship. Lord, you provide rest and peace just when we think we can't take anymore. You are good. Even if you never did another thing for us, you are still good because you are God. The prayer of my heart today is "Lord, blessed be your name." Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord! Blessed be your glorious name! You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name! Lord give us the strength and the courage to finish this semester well and to enter into marriage with our hearts and our eyes fully on you. Thank you for all the things you have blessed us with: a new couch and chair and the furniture we already had, family who loves and supports us, understanding professors, an environment where your Spirit is constantly at work. Thank you for Micah and our relationship. Thank you for leading and guiding us through the difficulties of two learning to become one as we get closer to our wedding. Thank you for your protection and grace. Your mercies are new each morning and I praise you, Lord! I love you, Lord! In your name I pray, Amen.

Let's try this again...

I am not a consistent blogger, this we know. I thought maybe this semester I would blog often with updates about the wedding or about engaged life. Alas, I just have not had the energy or the want-to.

I have had a really hard time being excited about everything- being engaged, getting married, making a home with Micah. This really began to wear on me after a while and made me depressed. I had 2 bridal showers while at home for spring break, but I struggled to be present and enjoy what was happening. It really has felt like life has been moving around me while I just watch and miss out on the action. In reality, it has been the feeling of fun and enjoyment I've been missing out on. I was asked so many times while I was home if I was "getting excited." My reaction was always to say, "Yes of course!" I realized later that was a lie.

I haven't been excited. Not even a little. I have been consumed with worry. I have wondered how we are going to pay bills, if/where/when we are going to find jobs after we graduate, where we are going to live, and on and on and on. This makes me have a bad attitude and resent Micah (resent him for what, I'm not sure). Then, I don't act very nice to him and push him away. I was so confused because I love Micah and want to marry him. I know God has called us together. Of that, I have no doubt. So why do I get so worried about stuff and in turn take my anxieties, fears, and frustrations out on Micah? Easy. I don't trust God.

Ok, so that wasn't any easy conclusion to come to and it took me a few months. But I've realized that my relationship with Micah mirrors my relationship with God. If I am pushing God away, distrusting that he has my best interest in mind and that he loves me, I tend to act the same way towards Micah. It's not that Micah is God to me, or a god/idol to me. I think it's that God has pulled me closer to Him by revealing things about Himself through Micah. I understand God's love more fully because of Micah. I understand what it means to love myself and be proud of who I am because of Micah's love for me. But, I digress.

So, I realized I had been pushing both God and Micah away, and I finally heard God say (not audibly) "You don't trust me." As of late, I have been absolutely consumed with worry about finances, complete with physical symptoms- headache, fatigue, upset stomach. It zapped the joy right out of me. I couldn't enjoy my showers because I was either worried about what people thought about what I had on or about how much stuff we would still need to buy after the wedding. I couldn't look forward to a honeymoon because I knew we didn't have money for one right now. Money and the lack of it was all I could think about. I confessed this to God and confessed that I haven't been trusting him. I confessed that I haven't been honoring Micah because worrying so much makes me cranky. And I asked God to help me enjoy this time.

I really don't want to miss out on the excitement of being engaged, getting married, and setting up home. I want to enjoy every second I can. I want to love and appreciate Micah regardless of my mood. I want to relax and breathe and laugh and be excited. I prayed that God would help me be excited. I prayed that he would show me how to love Micah and that he would help me show that to Micah, as I am not a very affectionate person. I can't say that my worry is 100% gone because I still feel that tightness in my chest that comes when I'm anxious. But, I am trusting God, and now I feel excited about the future. God even showed me some ways to show Micah how much I love him today. What a blessing!

I had a long conversation with God only a night or two ago, and I am already seeing him answer prayers. I am thankful that he has shown me how to pray his will. It is God's will that I show Micah how much I love him (Micah) and that I enjoy the blessings God gives me. It is God's will that I celebrate coming together with a godly man so that we may bring glory to God together. I know these are things God wants for me. I know they are things he has already said "yes" to. The jobs, the house, the location, the money- those things will come in God's timing and in his way. But, I know God will provide. He WILL provide. We are okay now. We will be okay this summer. We will be okay in January when we need jobs and a new place to live. God will provide, as he always does in his own way and timing. My job is not to worry or control, but to trust. I pray I finally learn this lesson for good.

A (late) Valentine's Post

Valentine's Day this year was very low key, but fun! Micah and I went out last Friday for pizza and he gave me my present- a moose pillow pet! It's super cute.

On Monday he surprised me by having flowers outside my door when I woke up.

They're so pretty and have plenty of purple flowers! All my lilies have bloomed since I took the picture.

I made dinner Valentine's night, and then we dipped strawberries in chocolate. So yummy!! It was a good day :).

**

In other news, the semester is in full swing, hence my lack of posts. There is so much homework to do, in addition to my personal devotion time and trying to exercise each day. I found out last week that my cholesterol is really high, so I'm having to change my diet and start exercising. I am doing pretty well with it, at least for me. I have cut out a lot of junk, and I have worked out 3 times since Saturday. Hopefully I will get in a routine of working out each day for at least 30 minutes.

I suppose that is all from the great commonwealth of Kentucky. Until next time...

Pray, pray, pray

Please keep praying for Kate McRae. She had a PET scan today and the preliminary results say she does have cancer again. Please pray that God will heal her sweet 7-year-old body. Pray for wisdom for her parents and doctors. And pray that God would be glorified! Click the link above for her caringbridge journal and here for her dad's blog. And pray, pray, pray!!!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:20-21

Back to The Tucky...

I am back at school. I got a lot of wedding stuff accomplished at my parents'. Today I registered at a local store and mom found a caterer! We also picked out the invitations. So looking at my list, I can cross off the following:

• My dress!
• Bridesmaids dresses
• Flowers
• Invitations
• Caterer
• Photographer

So what's left?

• figuring out the reception site
• getting the blue mason jars for centerpieces
• a few other odds and ends

Of course when I say things are done, I mean they are picked out and/or bought but not necessarily in my possession. And we still have to schedule the date for engagement pictures. BUT, my dress is almost done!!! I CAN'T WAIT to see it and try it on!!!!

Prayers Please

As anyone who lives in my family's town knows, a little girl named Korley died today. She was the niece of one of my friends. Korley was waiting on a lung transplant. Please pray for her family.

Another little girl who I only know about through the blog world found out yesterday that her brain tumor has come back. Kate is only 6 years old. She was diagnosed a year and a half ago and was recently doing well. No, I don't know her, and I can't even begin to imagine the devastation her family is feeling. But, I can pray for her...we can pray for her. From the blog:

"We are crushed. Kate is heartbroken. And we need God's miraculous intervention. Please pray. Please ask others to pray for our sweet baby. I know she is one child among many battling. But she is our daughter, and she is a sister, and a niece, and a granddaugther. Please pray that God would spare her from this disease. Please."

So I ask that you please, please pray for Kate.

Thanks.

What I Want to be When I Grow Up

As anyone who knows me or has at least read my blogger profile knows, I am studying to get a master's degree in Youth Ministry. I can't even begin to list the ways that this program has transformed my life, not to mention how I understand my calling, but that's beside the point for now. It's easy, in the day-to-day, year-to-year journey to get caught up in the busyness and lose focus. It's easy to forget why I have a heart for youth ministry and the ways I think God wants to use me. Yes, I can tell you that I want to work with girls and young women on women's issues but sometimes I forget why.

And then I do an internet search on an author that leads me to some "leaders" in youth ministry, people that I heard speak back in the days when I was in youth group. People that made me roll my eyes then and make me roll my eyes now. And in that eye rolling I was reminded of my call and why there is such a desire in me to serve youth- I want to do things differently. I remember having so many questions, concerns, and complaints about the way things were done when I was in a youth group, but I didn't know how to put them into words. And I certainly didn't have any solutions. Now that I'm older and studying what it means to do youth ministry and to live my life as a ministry, I can articulate what was wrong and how to do things differently. There needs to be more love. There needs to be mentoring. Kids don't need gimmicks and more entertainment. It leads to shallow or non-existent faith. They need real spiritual food just like adults do. They need to be shepherded and discipled. Leave your scare tactics and guilt trips at home. Those may be good for momentary decisions, but they don't lead to lasting change and spiritual formation.

Honestly, I look back and wonder why we went to all the events/conferences we went to. Oh, I know they were fun, and we would have greatly protested had our youth pastor not taken us, but for all the money and time spent what spiritual fruit was produced? It is more important that we build genuine relationships with youth than to entertain them. They are God's beloved entrusted to us to wisely guide, mentor, and love. We must be examples. We have to live the same life we are asking them to embrace. We have to model love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness. Who cares if you are a great speaker or you have the best band or you wear the coolest clothes or you have all sorts of game systems and high-tech stuff to keep your youth entertained? That stuff doesn't matter! What matters are the relationships you build and the love you share. That's it. Without those relationships, without love and a foundation of trust, you'll lose them every time. Once they're out of youth group, odds are against them staying in church and continuing to grow spiritually. But strong relationships with adults, besides relationships with their parents, greatly increase the odds that they will stay in church and not abandon their faith.

We can't afford to be anything less than spirit-filled mentors and leaders. The question is, do we care? Do we care enough to completely abandon everything but God's call on our lives? Do we care enough to let go of our bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness so that we can live a life of over flowing love and grace? Do we care enough about people old and young, believers or otherwise, to live a life that will most assuredly be marked with suffering, and yet still have joy and peace in our hearts? Do we care enough to become spiritual adults so that we can have wisdom and discernment? Or would we much rather just throw them into the world and hope they sort it out for themselves?

I ask all of that to myself as much as to anyone else. It serves as a challenge to me. I need to continue to grow and mature in Christ. I can't ever stop. I can never stop. Ever.

Lord, make me more like you. May my life be of service to you and for you. May I never stop hungering for you. May I never stop pursuing you. Lord, give me the strength to persevere til the end! In your name...Amen.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.- Matt. 5:6


Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. - Hebrews 12:1