I have neglected this here blog. I think so much most of the time that writing on here feels like work sometimes. I also have been busy with school. Anyhoo...I am home at my parents' for the summer. So far it has been good and restful.
Micah is in Michigan working at a summer camp, and I miss him much more than I expected. It's crazy how much our relationship has evolved and deepened in a relatively short period of time. I never really thought I would find a person who loves me like he does, and I never thought I would love anyone like I love him. I don't mean the sappy, warm-fuzzy feelings love- I mean the kind of love where you love the whole person, not just the parts that make you feel warm and fuzzy. Our love for each other comes naturally, but that's not to say we don't put a lot of work or effort into the relationship. We had the luxury (or misfortune) to put a lot of our "junk" out in the open at the beginning. Getting to know each other and our junk- and then working through that junk- is/has not been easy. I have had major doubts along the way, but I have trusted God to guide my steps and reveal where this relationship needs to go and if it needs to end. He has been more than faithful, and this month marks 7 months since we started dating! :)
I am still processing my first year in seminary. I love being able to identify ways God has worked and is working in me. I had been sensing that he was leading me to minister not just to young women but women of all ages, and He has recently been confirming that. It worries me a bit to say that out loud (or in print) because I don't want to get pegged into the women's ministry role as if there were no other place for me. I believe women can be leaders in ministry, whether it be to women, children/youth, or whole congregations. I see such a need for women to find their identities in Christ and let go of pride, insecurity, and jealousy. I could write a whole post on this topic but that would take a long time. Moving on...
God is tirelessly working on me, and a lot of the time it hurts. He has changed me a lot, though it took a while for me to notice even the slightest thing. Now I can see how my mindset about many things has changed, how my thoughts have changed. I haven't just sat around waiting for change to happen. I have worked to let go of things that bring me down and do not build up the Church, i.e. gossip (including celebrity gossip). Gossip is hurtful and divisive, whether I know the person or not. I am trying to see people in the image of God, as God's prized creations, not as commodities to be consumed. I want to be love. I want to give love. My mom says she has noticed a (positive) difference in me. That compliment wasn't received as a source of pride but as encouragement to pursue God even more. It is relieving and motivating to know that God hasn't given up on me, nor will he ever.
As much as I hate the school aspect of Asbury, I am certain that it is where God wants me. He has thrown me into a place where I MUST deal with my crap, where I won't be let off the hook. He has surrounded me with people who love and challenge me. He has given me Micah. He has revealed his love for and to me. I am so thankful.
PS- I turned comments off because I kept getting spam. Feel free to leave a comment or message on Facebook.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Snapshots of my present life
Me and Aunt Jo at Jacksonville Zoo
Me and my Mikey (Micah) at the zoo
I probably shouldn't tell you what is happening in this picture
Two Micah's equals twice the fun!!
Nathan (Micah's roommate) and Me not doing homework in the library
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Sun!!
Today is the first day we've seen sun in a while! I am so thankful!
Classes are going well, and I usually enjoy them. I am learning so much academically while being formed spiritually at the same time. It is a blessing to be able to learn, live, and grow all at once. I've been sifting through a lot of ideas and topics we've been discussing in class. This semester, like no other semester I've had in school (seminary or undergrad), everything is fitting together. Each class builds on the other. It's crazy because all my classes are so different. I have one class on Inductive Bible Study (IBS...ha!), another on Communicating the Gospel to Youth, one on Spiritual Warfare, one on Ethics, and finally Vocation of Ministry (which doesn't really fit in with the others, but that's another tale for another day). My personal theme or motto for this semester seems to be "God loves ME!" I don't know if any of you have ever had a hard time believing that God loves you and accepting his love, but I have always struggled with this.
Lately, I began to pray that I would learn to love people. "We should love people because they are made in the image of God"...that's what I learned in my Youth Ministry class. I told my roommate about my "goal" to love people and what had been said in class and she said, "The only way we love people is from God's love flowing through us. If we don't accept his love, we can't love people." She had no idea that already I had been dealing with the issue of accepting God's love for me. That's when it really hit me that I don't have a choice in accepting God's love if I truly believe him and want to carry out his will for my life. I guess in some way I thought I could get around truly accepting God's love. I thought I just had to believe God loved other people for me to be able to do His work and love people.
The next day in IBS, my professor was taking apart the passage where John baptizes Jesus and then God says, "This is my Son, with whom I am well pleased." Dr. Dongell pointed out that God is pleased with Jesus BEFORE he ever started his ministry. He went on to say that we often get involved in ministry to please God, but he's already pleased with us. We often pour into people when we are empty ourselves and not full of God. Then...he went off on a tangent (I'm certain the Spirit was present in class that day) about how we must be full of God's love to love others. He said, "We cannot generate love. We cannot manufacture love (for others). It has to come from God." He went on to say that it's God's love overflowing from us that allows us to love other people. I knew that message was meant for me.
Later that night in my spiritual warfare class, our prof was talking about overcoming habits and defeating the evil that attacks us and he said, "When we are full of the Lord, all that other stuff just kind of falls away." This statement hit me hard on several levels. One, it was just such a simple statement, yet SO true. Two, it reiterated that I have to be full of God in order to love others and live my life for him. Three, it reminded me that sometimes all I can do to help other people is to pray that God will be present in their lives, that they will fill themselves with Him and let everything else fall away.
I am so thankful that I was able to hear God speaking to me through all these different people. I am so, so thankful to be here. Every day is not good, but I am finally noticing some changes happening, all due to God's work in me. I am doing better at dealing with people. I am more fervent in my prayer time, and I finally feel like God is hearing me again. I am staying on top of my assignments, whether they be reading or papers. I have great friends here, friends that I will probably know forever. I have laughed until I cried and my sides hurt and I couldn't breathe; sang until I laughed and then cried and then couldn't breathe; ate some disgusting food; had some amazing, God inspired roommate time; and met a wonderful guy. God is good, and he loves ME!
Classes are going well, and I usually enjoy them. I am learning so much academically while being formed spiritually at the same time. It is a blessing to be able to learn, live, and grow all at once. I've been sifting through a lot of ideas and topics we've been discussing in class. This semester, like no other semester I've had in school (seminary or undergrad), everything is fitting together. Each class builds on the other. It's crazy because all my classes are so different. I have one class on Inductive Bible Study (IBS...ha!), another on Communicating the Gospel to Youth, one on Spiritual Warfare, one on Ethics, and finally Vocation of Ministry (which doesn't really fit in with the others, but that's another tale for another day). My personal theme or motto for this semester seems to be "God loves ME!" I don't know if any of you have ever had a hard time believing that God loves you and accepting his love, but I have always struggled with this.
Lately, I began to pray that I would learn to love people. "We should love people because they are made in the image of God"...that's what I learned in my Youth Ministry class. I told my roommate about my "goal" to love people and what had been said in class and she said, "The only way we love people is from God's love flowing through us. If we don't accept his love, we can't love people." She had no idea that already I had been dealing with the issue of accepting God's love for me. That's when it really hit me that I don't have a choice in accepting God's love if I truly believe him and want to carry out his will for my life. I guess in some way I thought I could get around truly accepting God's love. I thought I just had to believe God loved other people for me to be able to do His work and love people.
The next day in IBS, my professor was taking apart the passage where John baptizes Jesus and then God says, "This is my Son, with whom I am well pleased." Dr. Dongell pointed out that God is pleased with Jesus BEFORE he ever started his ministry. He went on to say that we often get involved in ministry to please God, but he's already pleased with us. We often pour into people when we are empty ourselves and not full of God. Then...he went off on a tangent (I'm certain the Spirit was present in class that day) about how we must be full of God's love to love others. He said, "We cannot generate love. We cannot manufacture love (for others). It has to come from God." He went on to say that it's God's love overflowing from us that allows us to love other people. I knew that message was meant for me.
Later that night in my spiritual warfare class, our prof was talking about overcoming habits and defeating the evil that attacks us and he said, "When we are full of the Lord, all that other stuff just kind of falls away." This statement hit me hard on several levels. One, it was just such a simple statement, yet SO true. Two, it reiterated that I have to be full of God in order to love others and live my life for him. Three, it reminded me that sometimes all I can do to help other people is to pray that God will be present in their lives, that they will fill themselves with Him and let everything else fall away.
I am so thankful that I was able to hear God speaking to me through all these different people. I am so, so thankful to be here. Every day is not good, but I am finally noticing some changes happening, all due to God's work in me. I am doing better at dealing with people. I am more fervent in my prayer time, and I finally feel like God is hearing me again. I am staying on top of my assignments, whether they be reading or papers. I have great friends here, friends that I will probably know forever. I have laughed until I cried and my sides hurt and I couldn't breathe; sang until I laughed and then cried and then couldn't breathe; ate some disgusting food; had some amazing, God inspired roommate time; and met a wonderful guy. God is good, and he loves ME!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
First daaaaayyyy of spring semester!
I can't believe it is already my second semester in seminary. I had 2 classes today, and both went well. Tomorrow I have class at 8:00 AM, 1:00 PM, AND 6:15 PM. LONG DAY! I'm not really worried about it though because tons of my friends are in my afternoon classes, as well as Micah. I am so thankful for him. He helps keep me calm and cheers me up if I'm having a rough day (like yesterday). We disagree and handle conflict very well. We usually need time to cool off, but after that we are able to talk things out semi-calmly and always respectfully. I care about him a lot, so I never want to be disrespectful, hateful, or mean...especially if we are having a disagreement. We are both stubborn and sometimes try to be selfish, but it's neat watching our individual walls come down and then seeing how we put the other person first because we care about each other and our relationship. He makes me very happy just by being himself. He is a blessing to me and I'm still so surprised and thankful that God has placed him in my life. I don't say all of that to be cheesy or mushy. I say it because it is the truth. :)
Monday, February 8, 2010
Bummed
So, I won't be taking summer classes. I miscalculated how much this semester would cost and I lived off my leftover loan money last semester, so I won't have the money to take classes this summer. I am disappointed, to say the least. I don't want to be here for an extra semester. I don't want to have to take out extra loans. I feel so stupid for not figuring this out sooner and stupid for not saving my money. I won't be able to afford to live off campus next fall, either. That is a major let down. I misread info on tuition so everything is winding up costing more than I expected. I thought as long as you took no more than 24 hours, your tuition stayed the same. Well...I was wrong. You pay based on credit hour--which I knew...but I thought if you stayed within the hour limit, your bill didn't go up. So this semester my bill is around $2,000 or $3,000 more than last semester because I am taking 4 more hours. I'm really not sure what the deal is. I had originally signed up for an online class, but that class alone was over $1500 so I dropped it and picked up a class on campus instead. I am discouraged. Money is hard to come by right now for my family. Dad hasn't worked in over a month. They aren't doing without...people are taking care of them...but still. It's discouraging. Knowing that I have so much in loans already and now it's probably going to be even more just makes me want to cry. How am I ever going to pay all that back? I KNOW I did the right thing by coming here. I am not doubting God's call on my life. I am just really overwhelmed right now, and it's hard to see how it's all going to work out.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Hypoglycemic?
I think I am hypoglycemic. I have a lot of the symptoms and it explains a lot- fatigue, rapid heartbeat, feeling hungry even when I know I shouldn't, irritability, sweating...and the headaches I have been getting a lot...oh and the time I passed out when I still lived with Amanda. I never really thought about it until I was describing how I felt to one of my friends who happens to be hypoglycemic. She said that's just how she feels. So, I will make a doctor appointment on Monday. Hopefully I can get this figured out.
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