A New Year, A New Season, Same Blog Title

Once again, I have neglected this blog. Each time I come back, I hope to be more consistent in posting and more cohesive. I have a plan or schedule in mind for how/what I post, but I have never followed up on it. And so each post almost feels like a re-start of the blog.

It seems like often people change the title of their blogs or start a completely new blog as they transition into new seasons of life, but in almost seven years of this blog I have never felt the need to change my title. I think about what it means and how it relates to my life, and it just seems to still fit.

So where did I get the title? It's a line from an episode of Gilmore Girls, my favorite show at the time I created this blog. It is Rory (the daughter's) tongue-in-cheek response to her mom (Lorelai) waking her up by doing something silly. I always liked that line, and I am totally storing up memories for the tell-all I plan to write some day (if only in my head...). Plus, it reminds me not to take myself too seriously.

This blog is the story of me (why DO so many of us feel compelled to share our often unremarkable stories through blogging?) trying to make sense of life, glorify God, and raise my daughter (due any day now) in love, grace, and joy. It is a way to remember, reflect, and recharge. I am learning to rest in God's grace and be the woman he created me to be.

(And I really like parenthesis.)

Has it really been almost a year since my last post? SO much has changed. I started my first full-time ministry position in July 2012. God has confirmed over and over that THIS is where are supposed to be. He is confirming my calling daily, and he has shown me strengths I didn't even know I had. I love the church where I work- the staff, the youth I minister to, and the church body. It challenges me and stretches me, while still allowing me to be myself and lead in the way God has called me. Micah finally found a job in our new town in December, and that has taken a lot of stress off him (and me). And...we got a dog! One of my coworkers found her outside the church. We had been wanting a dog, so I took her home to see if she fit with us while still trying to find her owners. No one ever claimed her, and so she is ours. She is the perfect dog for us- it's like she picked us :).

The past year has been so busy, stressful, and exciting! We love where we live and have enjoyed getting to know our new community. Friends have gotten married. Micah's sister had another baby, and both of my favorite cousins had baby girls in the fall.

Now it's March and things are moving right along. And now you are all caught up on my life and I can get back to my normal type of posts.

Until next time...

Blogging has obviously fallen by the wayside since starting my job. It's weird working mornings and afternoons on some days and then working afternoons and nights on other days. I don't think this is a schedule I will ever get used to, mostly because there is not much rhyme or reason to it. I just show up when they tell me to. It's weird not seeing Micah all day and then only seeing him for a couple hours or less before I have to go to bed. I figured at some point we would have this sort of schedule, working opposite days and opposite times. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's certainly not fantastic. But...it's temporary.

With each passing day I feel more ready to get out of here. It has nothing to do with where I am working. Micah and I both like our jobs and the people with whom we work. We just feel so disconnected. It's not that we have zero friends here, but something is missing. We don't feel at home. We have started seriously discussing "what next." I need some sort of plan. Either we need to make plans to pick a city and move by a certain date, or we need to get used to the idea of staying around here. Of course these conversations happen while we are applying for jobs. I suppose the conversations assume we won't find the jobs for which we are hoping. It's not that I think we won't find anything (I think I have a good chance at all the jobs I applied for last week), but I want to have a plan for what we are going to do if we don't get ministry jobs.

So, we have decided to start treating Kentucky like it is where we will be for a while. I am going to decorate the house and finish unpacking. We might plant a garden if our landlord will let us. We have yet to plug in to a new church. We have visited a few places but now we are dealing with our schedules. It kinda sucks when I work Saturday nights and Micah works Sunday mornings. There is a huge church nearby that offers enough services that we could find one that works, but we just aren't sure it is where we want to be. I think we are scared it may be too hard to get connected there because it is SO big. But, it seems just as hard to get connected in the smaller churches. Church shopping is no fun (I hate that term but I don't know what else to use).

I am beginning to wonder where God is in all of his. No, that's not what I am wondering. If I truly examine my heart and my thoughts, I am wondering why God isn't working things out the way I want him to. I am wondering why there aren't more available jobs close to home and why we haven't found jobs yet. I am wondering when are we supposed to begin trying to have children and what if God moves us far away from my family. I am wondering if God has a specific place he wants me to go, or if he is okay with Micah and me choosing somewhere that we think would be cool. If we do choose someplace, is God going to provide the jobs, housing, community that we need?

I am disappointed. I just knew we would have jobs soon after graduating. I just knew it. I just knew we would find ministry jobs. I know it's only been a few months, but it's starting to feel like we are going to be those people who spent loads of money on seminary and then never even use their degrees. Is that bad if that's what happens? No job I may or may not get will ever negate the truth that seminary was exactly where I needed to be when I needed to be there. I have to keep telling myself that. But what if we don't get ministry jobs? What will we do instead?

These are the thoughts that have begun to keep me up at night. It's not so fun. I don't feel alone- I know God is near. But I am wondering if all the hopes and dreams I have will ever come true.

Time keeps on slipping into the future...

Time flies when you're having fun. Or spending 9 hours a day in a big box home improvement store. Not my first choice of job, but Micah and I sure are thankful for the extra income! And, I have met some nice people! However, standing on concrete floors all day just about kills me sometimes. That's why I haven't blogged as often as I would have liked. That and the fact that my Lenten fast is going so well. I'm not so worried about the fast. I just simply want to deepen my relationship with God. Anyone have any suggestions of a good book that might help? I feel myself craving a good book.

In other news, we are still looking for and applying for ministry jobs. I am in the process of sending my resume out to a bunch of places and Micah got his out the other day. Please pray! We are ready to be in our element doing what we are called to do. And ready to be out of Kentucky and in a more permanent home. I want to decorate and truly set up my home. I want to get everything out of boxes. I want a church home (we are in the process of finding a new church). I need some roots and community! I have good friends here, but Micah hasn't made any deep friendships. And we don't have any close couple friends. I am very grateful we are still here, though, because we have gotten lots of support from older, mentor type people in the seminary community. We have a professor that regularly checks in with us to see how we are and meets with us to make sure we are staying on track in our marriage, and it is one of the biggest blessings we could have asked for right now (or ever). I can't even describe the relief and encouragement I feel knowing that someone is in our corner and willing to help us navigate the stresses of being newly married, newly graduated, job searching, and probably moving soon. God certainly has a plan for us and he knows what he is doing, even as we are feeling restless. I try my best to keep my eyes on him and my heart tuned to gratitude so that I don't become frustrated or discouraged. We have so much to be grateful for that my heart leaps as I mentally make a list of all the things God has done and is doing right now in our lives.

Honestly, sometimes it is hard to see all the wonderful things right now when I am so ready to be in the next phase of life. This is the story of my life. I really struggle with living in the present and enjoying where I am right now. Last year while being engaged and getting married, I made a huge effort to forget everything else and just enjoy what was happening around me. I'm not saying it always worked, or that even the whole wedding thing was my thing, but a lot of people were really happy for us and I got to enjoy that. I don't mind that it takes effort, though, for me to remain in the present. It causes me to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and the path he is laying out before me. And it reminds me to form special memories that I can someday share with my children. One bonus of learning to live in the moment and truly enjoy life is that I can get excited about things again. For the longest time nothing would excite me- not trips, concerts, whatever. I would have fun but never get the joy of anxiously awaiting the day. But now I have that again and I love it!

So see, I have no reason to feel discouraged. God is working, God is present, and God knows what he is doing. He has not forgotten us! I am thankful for the ever growing relationship I have with Jesus and that it brings me into greater understanding of who God is and how he works. I appreciate those of you who pray for us and love us! We love you, too!

Just checking in...

I started a new job so I haven't had as much time to sit, think, or write. In fact, I'm on my lunch break right now. I am a couple days behind on my Lenten devotional. Getting used to working varying days at varying times has worn me out. Add on the stress of some other things/people and i have had a short fuse. Tears and/or getting annoyed come really easily right now. Since I am so introverted, being around people all day at work makes me want not want to talk or be around anyone but Micah. But, I am sure I will figure out a good balance soon and go back to being my normal self.

In other news, there is a situation I am dealing with that is really starting to wear on me. It's not my story to tell so that's all I can say for now, but I would appreciate your prayers for the quick resolution of this situation. I think it's time that I removed myself from being involved at all, but I am not sure how to do that. The whole thing just makes me say grrrrrrr.

Anyhoodle, have a great day!

All this worry, worry, worry

I read a blog post the other day by a woman who gave up worrying for Lent. She tells of her experience dealing with the sin of worry. I haven't been able to quit thinking about it. The "sin" of worry. Worrying is a sin. Ouch. I have struggled with worry and anxiety for a long time. I accepted it as my normal and have tried different tricks to overcome it or ignore it. Though some have worked in varying degrees, they don't get to the root of the problem, the root of my sin. The problem is that I don't trust God. The problem is that my view of who God is and what he does isn't the same as who God says he is and what he says he does. I think my life should be easy. I think nothing bad should ever happen to me, that God should protect me. I think that hard things aren't fair and that other people have life easier than I do. But none of that is true. More bluntly put, they are lies straight from Satan himself and undermine my relationship with Christ.

You see, I've gotten into this habit of thinking I deserve the things I want and thinking that Christ owes me something. It all started innocently enough, I'm sure, since I have not consciously said "God, you owe me." It has been more subtle than that. I start looking at people around me and the lives they lead. I want what they have- happiness, money, no worries, a nice home, a good job, etc. They give glory to God for all they have and it makes me ask, "Where are you God? Why don't you answer my prayers the way you answer theirs?"

And you see, that is my problem. As someone said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." I took my eyes off Jesus and began looking at everyone else around me. I began to falter. Then I fell into sin. I envied, I coveted, I worried. I stopped trusting God and instead looked to other things for my security- Micah, money, a job. Then it expanded to other things. I began thinking that if I looked better or talked better (no Southern accent) then things would be different and I would be happy. If only I had this or that or could travel here or there I would enjoy life so much more. If only I knew how to shoot a gun or had an alarm or lived behind a gate then I would be safe. If I had money then I could pay off our student loans, buy a house or rent a nice one, not have to worry about rising gas prices. But...BUT...NONE of that matters. Luke 17:33 says, "If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it" (NLT). And I get it now. It's not that I will die (though eventually we all will unless Jesus comes back before then). It's that I will be miserable and miss out in life as I do everything in my power to save my life and attain all these things and compare myself to other people (I can't take credit for this idea. I read it somewhere recently as someone explained Luke 17:33, but I can't remember where/who). John 10:10 says that Christ came so we could have abundant life. That life is exactly what I lose when I take my eyes off Christ.

So by now you may be wondering how we got here from the title of this post. Simply put: worry is a sin. Sin and a misunderstanding of who God is and what he does lead me to doubt God's goodness. That leads me to worry. If I get rid of the sin, I can get rid of the worry. It sounds simple, but I am struggling. As I type this I am trying not think about the storms forecast for tomorrow (and Friday, for that matter). Most people who know me know how scared I am of severe storms and tornadoes. It is a battle for me. I have learned that there is healthy concern and having a watchful eye, but for me that often turns to plain worry about something bad happening. I have lived through bad storms and even a tornado. It was terrifying. But ya know what? Even if a bad storm hits my town or my home, God still holds me in the palm of his hand. Even if I lose all material possessions, God is still good and he is still faithful. Even if I lose my life- glory to God! Satan can never, ever take me from God's hand. As the song says: "No power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from his hand. Til he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I stand." That is my life song and I sing at the top of my lungs any time we sing it in church. It is what I want for my life- a heart so tuned to Jesus that I don't fear hard times or even death. I simply trust God and who he is. Please be praying for me. I know many others fight this battle of worry and I pray in Christ's name that he would break the chains of worry on all of us. This may be a lifelong long battle for me (I hope not), but I claim victory in the name of Jesus!

I will leave you with the lyrics of "In Christ Alone." I pray you will be blessed and when you hear it maybe you will think of me and pray for me. And when I hear it, I will praise God for who is he and pray for all of you who are in this battle against worry with me.

"In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Ash Wednesday

Today, for those who may not know, is Ash Wednesday and marks the beginning of Lent, the season before Easter on the church calendar. I didn't grow up in a tradition that observed Lent or the church calendar. My first encounter with things like liturgy and the church calendar happened in college. Since then I've attended a seminary in the Wesleyan/Methodist tradition and have learned even more about what the season of Lent is about. I don't intend it explain it here- I'm sure you can find a good explanation on wikipedia. I will say, unlike the Catholic tradition, I don't see Lent as a time where I need to pay penance for my sins. I know that when I confess my sins and ask for forgiveness, God forgives me for them. There is no need for me to hang my head in defeat and punish myself in order to find some favor with God. I like this article I read today. It explains why Lent is about experiencing more, not about giving something up.

This year for Lent, I have decided to abstain from something that will affect my life and my attitude. It will daily point me back to Christ as I remove one thing from my life in order to replace it with Christ. It's not important what I'm giving up, as God reveals different things to each one of us. The important thing is that I am going to use this time as a refocusing on God and surrender of the perceived control I have on my life. I don't want to simply mildly disrupt my life for 40 days. I want to make lasting changes and celebrate Easter as someone who has been transformed.

I will try to blog parts of this journey and what I am learning. I may also set up a blog schedule and blog something different each day (i.e. Lenten updates on one day, a new recipe on another day, something marriage related on another day, etc.). If you've noticed, I have been cautious to commit myself to anything blog related as I'm sure I have not always followed through. But as I feel God calling me to write as a way of keeping me accountable to my commitments to him, I sense that this whole blog thing will become a part of my daily, or at least weekly, life. As always, we'll see.

If you are observing Lent this year, I'd love to hear what you are learning or what God is doing in your life. Even if you aren't observing Lent, feel free to share things God is teaching you.

What Now?

I have been thinking about starting a new blog, one to which I will consistently post. It would be a blog with more direction, something with purpose. So much has changed in the past 9 months or so since getting married, and there seems to be no end in sight for change around here. We have moved twice, endured through some (minor) health issues, graduated, and now we are embarking on life free of school work but full of applying for jobs and attempting to discern where God is leading us next. To say the task is daunting would be an understatement. We are thankful to still be in the seminary community (Micah is still employed there) but looking forward to being settled and having permanent housing and jobs. I'd be lying if I said that we haven't let the stress get to us. We are much better this week than we have been, more secure in where God has presently placed us and feeling more confident about the future. We know God has a plan and purpose for our lives together and separately, and we are trying to keep our eyes fixed on that. But, I am getting antsy.

In the midst of all that, I am feeling the itch to write and feel like the Holy Spirit himself is prompting me. We'll see what happens and what direction this takes me. If I start a new blog, I'll be sure to let all two of you know :). As always, prayers are appreciated.

God is good and he has not left us alone or without hope!

On singleness and getting married

**edit** This is the 3rd draft of this. I had more to add the more I thought about it.

I'm guessing that what I'm going to write isn't going to be what some people want to hear. Truth is, it has become cliche' to say, "You just need seek God so that you can figure out who you are (in Him)" while single. However cliche', it's still the truth, and a truth that many women want to ignore. If you want to know how I did it, how I found a man I wanted to marry, a man God sent to me, here ya go: I worked to get my life together apart from everyone but God. I was tired of being miserable (about life in general) and determined not to date another guy who wasn't worthy to date me. I knew there were changes in my life that couldn't happen if I was wrapped up in another person or in some daydream about the future. I had to live in the present and allow God to strip away all the junk from my life. I didn't wallow anymore about being single. I didn't cry. I didn't ask, "Oh God where is the man for me?" There was no point. I knew God was calling me to focus on him. So, I focused on allowing God to make me in to who he wanted me to be. He did the rest. He did the changing, and he sent me Micah.

On the surface, Micah is not what I would have ever picked out for myself in a million years. He was not my "type" at all (I wasn't his type either), and he loved country music. Eek :). Our relationship was difficult from day one. We were both determined not to date another "wrong" person, and that meant we were constantly evaluating our relationship and asking hard questions. We enjoyed each other's company, and he treated me well. He was (and is) so sweet and he would kiss me on the forehead 17 times in a row (or so it seemed). But, things were still hard as we sought God's will and tried our best to be understanding of each other. Each of us processes things in different ways and at different speeds. We began officially dating in November, and in January I felt God telling me that 1) I was going to have to choose to love Micah, rather than "feeling" in love first and 2) I was going to have to fight for our relationship. Those were intimidating and scary thoughts. I wondered what they meant, but as time went on, it was revealed to me. Choosing to love Micah meant I must make a conscious decision to love him and stick things out until/unless I felt God telling me to move on. Fighting for our relationship meant choosing to stick through the hard times while he sorted things out and choosing to confront baggage in my own life so that our relationship could succeed until/unless God told me to move on. I told God "ok" to loving Micah and to fighting for us in January, and I finally "felt" like I loved him a couple months later.

Our relationship remained tough. We were both trying so hard to keep our hearts open and unencumbered so that God could continue to grow and change us. We were learning how to not put God on the back burner as we learned how to love each other. We were learning how to get rid of relationship baggage that we were still hanging on to. It came to the point that though I had come to love Micah very much, I told him that if it ever came down to choosing between him and God, I would choose God. It was the first time in my life I could ever honestly say that I would choose God over a relationship/friendship with someone else. I wasn't scared what would happen without Micah. I knew that regardless of what happened, I would be fine. I trusted God to lead me. We made it through a rocky, long distance summer, and a couple of months later we were engaged. There were many times along the way when I prayed, "God, what are you doing? I don't understand this. God, this is so hard. We are so different! I trust you, Lord. I trust you to lead me." Trusting God in my relationship with Micah is one of the biggest leaps of faith I have ever taken. I had never trusted God with a relationship before. Micah and I both know we would never have made it if we hadn't sought God all along our relationship. And now we're married :).

Lest you think that now everything is sunshine and roses every day, I will let you know that things are still hard. Micah doesn't make things hard, and I don't make things difficult for him. It's just that God is still working on both of us. We love each other infinitely, and I am so thankful for Micah. I like waking up in the middle of the night and knowing he's there. I like snuggling up next to him and kissing him on the back or neck (because he's sleeping facing the other direction). But we are now learning what it means to be married, while still dealing with baggage from our past. We are done dealing with old relationship baggage and now dealing with hurts/misconceptions/etc picked up from 25 and 28 years of living. It has brought us closer together, and God is honoring our efforts to let go of the junk. God has done a mighty work in both of us starting before we knew each other and continuing today. God has used Micah to reveal His unconditional love for me. I wouldn't be who I am without God working through Micah. I am grateful, blessed, and in love; however, I know God could have chosen to work through different people or in different ways. I am so happy he chose to use Micah in my life!

Moral of the story: If you think you will ever be happy, single/married/whatever, without dealing with junk in your life and without allowing God to restore and redeem you, you are kidding yourself and allowing the enemy to deceive you. No man can make you happy or can love you the way God can. If your expectation is to go from miserably single to infinitely happily married, you will be expecting more from your husband and marriage than either was ever meant to provide. You will be sorely disappointed and just has miserable as before.

I don't say this to be mean or harsh. I just want to be honest. I'm tired of women telling other women what they want to hear when we're telling each other lies. We need the truth. We have to know and believe our worth and identities in Christ. I am finally figuring out who I am in Christ, and it is liberating! God has used countless people in my life the last couple years to help me see myself as He sees me. It's not me who did any of this. It has been all God. I just simply said, "I'm willing." You have to be willing to allow God to change you, for him to become all you desire, before you will ever be ready for marriage.

Bittersweet

As I reflect on all the changes that will be taking place over the next few months and the excitement that comes along with new adventures, Micah and I are aware that it will definitely be hard to move away from our friends here. We don't know if we will move out of this area, but if we do we will be leaving some great people. Plus, we are really starting to like Lexington. We would be okay living there. I am thankful for the time we have spent here and for the our friends.

Rain, Rain...

...go away. Well, I really don't mind the rain so much as the gloomyness that comes along with it. As I type I am sitting on campus avoiding the rain and storms. I hate to be home alone when it storms. The worst has passed, I suppose, but I have to get gas on my way home and I certainly don't want to do that with it still lightning outside. Also, I need to go to the bookstore before leaving campus so I can buy and start reading some books for class.

I was able to have a quiet time before coming to campus this morning. Randomly the other day, I realized that my bedroom is so much more inviting when the curtains and blinds are open and my bed is made. That might sound silly, but I have been needing/craving a cozy place to read, pray, and think. It's like God opened my eyes and suddenly I could see the potential in my room. I am grateful. Now I can start each morning by letting the sun in the windows, making my bed, and having my quiet time with the Lord. It gives a sense of purpose and direction to my day while also letting me feel a bit productive. That gives me motivation to finish other things on my to-do list.

I am thankful for what might seem like small blessings that God provides. It really is the small things that make up and enrich life. If I'm being honest, though, I have been very discontent lately as I read about my friends and acquaintances getting great jobs, moving exciting places, and doing big things for the Lord. I just keep wondering what God has in store for Micah and me. I begin to get really excited, but then I feel afraid to get my hopes up. It's not that I think God will let me down; it's that I don't want to disappoint myself. I don't want to have unrealistic expectations and hopes that are not in God's plan for me. Yes, I realize that as I seek him he will bring my hopes and desires in line with His. It's just that I am feeling a little insecure in life right now (as if that isn't obvious). As I wrote the other day, I refuse to sit around worrying about things. I just need to vent and hear what I'm thinking. Things make more sense that way and then seem so much smaller and lighter.

Decisions, Decisions

I graduate in 4 months. FOUR. Micah and I need to find jobs and a new home in that time. We probably have 5 months before we have to be out of our townhouse, but I would love to have jobs and a home lined up before then. It's intimidating and fear-inducing when you're not sure what direction God is leading and with the economy and job market in their current state. I think that's what scares me the most. I have wondered/asked God several times, "How are you going to give me a job when there aren't any?" Then I remember, "Oh yeah...you're God!" I am determined to not let the worry consume me, and right now that is a moment-to-moment process. But I want to enjoy life right now and look forward to what God has in store for me. I don't want to be miserable, and why should I be? God is our provider, and he has never left me without a roof over my head or food to eat. He has always provided for my needs, whether that means giving me great friends, an affordable home, or scholarships at school. For that I am grateful. God is faithful and has proven himself over and over. The least I can do is trust him. God knows what I need more than I do. In my commitment to trust him, I am making a list of what we need when we move. I am committing these things to God:

• Jobs
• that we love
• that allow us to serve God and fulfill his calling on our lives
• that allow us to provide for our needs
• A nice and affordable place to live
• Friends
• A great church
• Courage

"Cutting" the Cake!

*Suzannah Driver Photography

"Cutting" our cake- a giant whoopie pie!!

A Wedding Details Picture Post!!

**All pictures by Suzannah Driver Photography

Rings on my bouquet

All the girls shoes

My wedding cake!!!

Throwing the bouquet

All the girls' bouquets

Our shoes again, except with my silver "get-away outfit" heels

The cake- whoopie pies!

Mason Jars

I Got Hitched!

That's Life

Oh my word, the last several weeks have been so hectic, emotional, and hard! Last week was especially tough as school, wedding planning, and moving all intersected. School, no doubt, has taken a back seat to everything else, and Micah and I are just trying to keep our heads above water long enough to be done for the semester. He has two more papers. I have 2 big papers and a project. Hopefully we can finish up everything this week (we only have until next week to turn things in), but now Micah is sick. He really doesn't need to miss any work since he has to take off for the wedding, but it's looking like he will miss another day of work tomorrow. In addition to that, right now he is in IN getting his stuff to move it into our new home. This has been the most stressful move I have ever been a part of. It seems like nothing has worked in our favor. Everything has been more difficult and taken more time than it should have. We are/have been emotionally and spiritually depleted. Admittedly, that is our fault and not God's.

My relationship with God has been on the backburner for a couple of months, if I'm being honest. It has been so hard to keep all my stuff in harmony, and lots of times it is easier for me to run and hide than it is to ask for help, whether from God or from friends. Well, I can't hide anymore. The last couple weeks have been awful. Micah and I have argued, we have been sick and tired, down and out. The stress and traveling and moving and school and him working have worn us out. But you know what? All that amounts to is wasted time spent worrying and arguing over stuff that isn't worth worrying and arguing about. Yes, it's hard to understand sometimes how finances work out. We have both been sick and exhausted. We have homework to do. We had a hard time finding a trailer to help us move. Gas is expensive. I am lonely. I miss home. We want to be done with school and move on from here. Etc, etc, etc.

Regardless, I will choose to be joyful and look to the Lord to supply my needs. I haven't been doing that. I have been worrying and fretting and trying to fix things. After one more thing was added to the list of frustrations last night, I had had enough. I laid in my bed and sobbed for a little while. In some ways, it felt good. In other ways, it felt so lonely and defeating. Trying to process my feelings, I realized that Micah and I are under spiritual attack. Does that mean I think Satan caused all the crazy stuff to happen that has happened in the past week (and that I haven't mentioned here)? No. But I do think he is trying to influence our reactions to everything that has happened. He is trying to steal our joy, make us doubt, and drive us apart from God and each other. I refuse to be beaten down! I refuse to lay in my bed and cry alone. I will reach out like I did last night. I will find things that make me happy, and I will turn my gaze to God. I will encourage Micah and be the positive and prayerful one when he is too sick and tired to do anything but be sick and tired (like he is today).

Lord, we are struggling, but you see us. You see our frustrations and fears. None of this has caught you off guard. Lord, you know our hearts. We want to serve you and serve each other. We want our faith to grow so that we aren't so easily dejected when life throws us curve balls. Lord, none of this is THAT big of a deal. You are more than enough for us. I pray that we feel that and believe that today. Lord, we are not alone. You have had your hand of protection over us and over our relationship. Lord, you provide rest and peace just when we think we can't take anymore. You are good. Even if you never did another thing for us, you are still good because you are God. The prayer of my heart today is "Lord, blessed be your name." Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord! Blessed be your glorious name! You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name! Lord give us the strength and the courage to finish this semester well and to enter into marriage with our hearts and our eyes fully on you. Thank you for all the things you have blessed us with: a new couch and chair and the furniture we already had, family who loves and supports us, understanding professors, an environment where your Spirit is constantly at work. Thank you for Micah and our relationship. Thank you for leading and guiding us through the difficulties of two learning to become one as we get closer to our wedding. Thank you for your protection and grace. Your mercies are new each morning and I praise you, Lord! I love you, Lord! In your name I pray, Amen.

Let's try this again...

I am not a consistent blogger, this we know. I thought maybe this semester I would blog often with updates about the wedding or about engaged life. Alas, I just have not had the energy or the want-to.

I have had a really hard time being excited about everything- being engaged, getting married, making a home with Micah. This really began to wear on me after a while and made me depressed. I had 2 bridal showers while at home for spring break, but I struggled to be present and enjoy what was happening. It really has felt like life has been moving around me while I just watch and miss out on the action. In reality, it has been the feeling of fun and enjoyment I've been missing out on. I was asked so many times while I was home if I was "getting excited." My reaction was always to say, "Yes of course!" I realized later that was a lie.

I haven't been excited. Not even a little. I have been consumed with worry. I have wondered how we are going to pay bills, if/where/when we are going to find jobs after we graduate, where we are going to live, and on and on and on. This makes me have a bad attitude and resent Micah (resent him for what, I'm not sure). Then, I don't act very nice to him and push him away. I was so confused because I love Micah and want to marry him. I know God has called us together. Of that, I have no doubt. So why do I get so worried about stuff and in turn take my anxieties, fears, and frustrations out on Micah? Easy. I don't trust God.

Ok, so that wasn't any easy conclusion to come to and it took me a few months. But I've realized that my relationship with Micah mirrors my relationship with God. If I am pushing God away, distrusting that he has my best interest in mind and that he loves me, I tend to act the same way towards Micah. It's not that Micah is God to me, or a god/idol to me. I think it's that God has pulled me closer to Him by revealing things about Himself through Micah. I understand God's love more fully because of Micah. I understand what it means to love myself and be proud of who I am because of Micah's love for me. But, I digress.

So, I realized I had been pushing both God and Micah away, and I finally heard God say (not audibly) "You don't trust me." As of late, I have been absolutely consumed with worry about finances, complete with physical symptoms- headache, fatigue, upset stomach. It zapped the joy right out of me. I couldn't enjoy my showers because I was either worried about what people thought about what I had on or about how much stuff we would still need to buy after the wedding. I couldn't look forward to a honeymoon because I knew we didn't have money for one right now. Money and the lack of it was all I could think about. I confessed this to God and confessed that I haven't been trusting him. I confessed that I haven't been honoring Micah because worrying so much makes me cranky. And I asked God to help me enjoy this time.

I really don't want to miss out on the excitement of being engaged, getting married, and setting up home. I want to enjoy every second I can. I want to love and appreciate Micah regardless of my mood. I want to relax and breathe and laugh and be excited. I prayed that God would help me be excited. I prayed that he would show me how to love Micah and that he would help me show that to Micah, as I am not a very affectionate person. I can't say that my worry is 100% gone because I still feel that tightness in my chest that comes when I'm anxious. But, I am trusting God, and now I feel excited about the future. God even showed me some ways to show Micah how much I love him today. What a blessing!

I had a long conversation with God only a night or two ago, and I am already seeing him answer prayers. I am thankful that he has shown me how to pray his will. It is God's will that I show Micah how much I love him (Micah) and that I enjoy the blessings God gives me. It is God's will that I celebrate coming together with a godly man so that we may bring glory to God together. I know these are things God wants for me. I know they are things he has already said "yes" to. The jobs, the house, the location, the money- those things will come in God's timing and in his way. But, I know God will provide. He WILL provide. We are okay now. We will be okay this summer. We will be okay in January when we need jobs and a new place to live. God will provide, as he always does in his own way and timing. My job is not to worry or control, but to trust. I pray I finally learn this lesson for good.

A (late) Valentine's Post

Valentine's Day this year was very low key, but fun! Micah and I went out last Friday for pizza and he gave me my present- a moose pillow pet! It's super cute.

On Monday he surprised me by having flowers outside my door when I woke up.

They're so pretty and have plenty of purple flowers! All my lilies have bloomed since I took the picture.

I made dinner Valentine's night, and then we dipped strawberries in chocolate. So yummy!! It was a good day :).

**

In other news, the semester is in full swing, hence my lack of posts. There is so much homework to do, in addition to my personal devotion time and trying to exercise each day. I found out last week that my cholesterol is really high, so I'm having to change my diet and start exercising. I am doing pretty well with it, at least for me. I have cut out a lot of junk, and I have worked out 3 times since Saturday. Hopefully I will get in a routine of working out each day for at least 30 minutes.

I suppose that is all from the great commonwealth of Kentucky. Until next time...

Pray, pray, pray

Please keep praying for Kate McRae. She had a PET scan today and the preliminary results say she does have cancer again. Please pray that God will heal her sweet 7-year-old body. Pray for wisdom for her parents and doctors. And pray that God would be glorified! Click the link above for her caringbridge journal and here for her dad's blog. And pray, pray, pray!!!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:20-21

Back to The Tucky...

I am back at school. I got a lot of wedding stuff accomplished at my parents'. Today I registered at a local store and mom found a caterer! We also picked out the invitations. So looking at my list, I can cross off the following:

• My dress!
• Bridesmaids dresses
• Flowers
• Invitations
• Caterer
• Photographer

So what's left?

• figuring out the reception site
• getting the blue mason jars for centerpieces
• a few other odds and ends

Of course when I say things are done, I mean they are picked out and/or bought but not necessarily in my possession. And we still have to schedule the date for engagement pictures. BUT, my dress is almost done!!! I CAN'T WAIT to see it and try it on!!!!